It was very lovely to see you last week and it was great to have a chat with you. Seeing you happy and being able to talk to you really put me in a much better mood.
Even George noticed that I was happier and more alive than usually. He said in a pleasant voice “I see, you caught up with Mark today and you had a good time as you
seem to be very cheerful”. It is true, I caught up with Mark that day and we had great time as usual, but it was not the main reason I was feeling so good (don't worry
I told George that I chatted to you in the evening :)
Talking about Mark – yes, we had a great time. I like catching up with him, it always makes my week better. This time we talked about my web-side and he gave me some hints for improvement. I will try to implement them over the weekend. Because of my writing I think a lot about my past and my relationships. At some point I said to Mark “Oh, I just got from one s#$t to the other...” And Mark replied laughing: “Do not worry, one day you will get it right”. It made me laugh as well. Looking at my history the only way that I get it right is... to stay single. Anyway, I had a great day on Wednesday.
You asked me why, in my opinion, George calmed down a bit and is not so angry with me all the time. I said that I do not know, maybe because he realised that I love solitude and I am not afraid of being on my own. I think it is partially true, but I thought more about the question and about the last few months, the time since mum (my mother-in-law) went to the nursing home (in August). George always complained that there is a lot of work with her, it is too much for him and he cannot do it any more. I thought that if she was not living with us any more he would be happier. The truth is that... since she left it got worse for me. In this time, twice he got so angry that I was really scared of him – one time in August and then in December. In August, after he exploded and had a go at me, (I was sure he would hit me or throw me on the wall, but in the end he just threw me on the bed) he calmed down and for a few weeks was nice to me. So maybe now it is just the same – lull after the storm (or before the next one). But maybe he realised that what he is actually doing is not destroying my life, but destroying his own. I will give you a few examples. Once a month George used to come with me to the city. Every-time he came he was capricious, cranky and temperamental. He was complaining that the trips are too tiring and too stressful for him. He was saying that he is coming to the city for me, so I am not alone, but he cannot do it for much longer. He was moaning that all the long days and waiting for me is killing him. I was tolerating all the grumbling, as I thought it was good for him to have a break from home and from mum. However, since mum went to the nursing home, he is not coming with me any more – somebody has to look after Darcy ;) I simply cannot see any reason why I should tolerate the constant complaints. When I am in the city I usually work long hours. I am really tired in the evening and I do not see any reason why I am not allowed to sleep for half a night because somebody is unhappy and behaving like an angry child. I prefer to be on my own, stay a bit longer writing in the office and afterwards have a good nights sleep. In the last few months, George mentioned a few times that he misses the trips to the city. I am sorry, but I cannot do it any more (obviously if he misses it and I do not, it shows that the trips meant more to him than for me)... I am, however, happy for him to visit his friend for a few days and I will look after the farm. Or he could go for holidays for a few weeks and I will stay on the farm, which is also fine with me.
He says that he would like us to go away together, somewhere for a few days, but... every time we went on the motorbikes it was getting more and more dangerous for me. A few
times I had to ride through red lights, also, I almost lost control of the bike and many times, because of his swearing and screaming at me, I could not concentrate and was
close to making the wrong decision. Sometimes, he was embarrassed, sheepish and guilty, however, if something happened to me it would be to late. I could be killed or seriously
injured. And anyway he never changed his behaviour – he was sorry on one hand, but the next time we went somewhere, he did the same thing.
Then when we arrived at the destination he was complaining about everything that was wrong and why he was not happy. Why go somewhere and risk my life, health and well-being and sit in a concrete environment without any view listening to somebody moaning and groaning, and being angry and unhappy all the time. I can sit either in my office with a mesmerising view or at the little dam and write, being completely happy in my solitude (or with the person I want to be with). I do not see any reason and therefore I prefer not to travel together.
It was the same when we went somewhere by car or with the caravan – constant anger, stress and moaning.
Somehow I remembered a situation which hurt me a lot. It was a few years back. We went on a motorbike trip for a few days. One day we stopped in a small country town for lunch. Everything seemed to be fine, though George was a bit tired and not in the best mood. I was, of course, in a very good mood and I tried to cheer him up. We went into a coffee shop for lunch and ordered a burger with chips for George and a salad sandwich for me. I do not like chips very much, so I hardly ever order them, but I always get a few from George (he always encourages me to get some from his plate and said that I do not even need to ask, just take some). When the food arrived I playfully got a chip from George's plate. He got furious. Took my sandwich, had a bite and threw it back on my plate and it completely fell apart, furiously saying “Now you know how it feels when somebody eats from your plate”. I was shocked, I did not expect this behaviour at all. He was always telling me that I can take some chips without asking and I always took a few chips and there was not any drama. I had to leave the coffee shop and go for a walk to calm down as I could not stop myself from crying. All I wanted to do was to cheer him up. However, the reality was that he could not stand the fact that I was in good mood and happy. That is why he did what he did. When I came back he told me that I am a drama queen and I do not know how to behave. I should simply finish my sandwich and not make a scene and leave the coffee shop. I finished the sandwich, though I actually was not hungry any more, and we continued riding. George achieved his goal – I was not in a good mood any more...
George would like us to work together, but... after it got dangerous for me I do not want to any more. I prefer to work on my own. Not because I do not like working with somebody, no I loved doing things with Adam. For a few years we were doing everything together and it was fun. But it is not fun all the time discussing how difficult the job is and that it will take ages to finish , to listen to somebody swearing at me and complaining that everything is against him and at the end be concerned about my well-being and my safety. No, this is not fun. It is much more fun to work on my own or with Darcy and enjoy the time, even if, at the end, something goes wrong and I injure myself, as it happen when I worked with the cattle and I squashed my hand. I got injured, however at least, before the accident, I had a good time and a lot of fun.
I do not want to do all these things with him, I prefer to be on my own. As I said I am not scared of solitude, I enjoy it and I prefer to be on my own than with
somebody who does not like me. He was pushing me away for so long trying to break me, but what he actually broke is the little bit of connection which we had. We never
had a strong connection, the type of connection I had with Adam or I have with you Buddy, but we had something which kept us together and made me willing to try to make
our marriage happy. But now... I am just happy on my own.
He wanted to prove to me that if I did not change, I would not be happy, that my life here on the farm will be unbearable because we will be living next to each other and I will be lonely. But what he actually achieved is that... he is not happy and he feels lonely. I still go to the city where I can catch up with people, I have friends who support me, I am working on the farm by myself and I enjoy it. I love solitude and I love writing. I love travel and I am still going to do it (as I said I am planning to go to Canada this year and then on the way back visit my parents in EU) – I do not need a companion, I am happy on my own. In this respect, there is nothing missing in my life... However, yes, I would prefer to be and to live with a man who loves me, and to feel the love and the connection between us. I would prefer to travel with somebody who enjoys the way and not desperately wants to get to the destination, as for me the way is the destination. With somebody who can be happy because of the little things in life and with whom I can laugh. I would love to travel with you Buddy, and I know we would have a lot of fun together. And I would prefer to share my life with somebody who loves me and accepts me as I am. However, if I cannot have it, I will accept it and choose solitude. George tried to change and hurt me, but at the end, he is the one who got hurt... He hurt himself... And maybe all this is the reason why he is nicer to me now...
Last Sunday when I came back from writing, George was sitting on the verandah quiet reflective, somehow pensive. “I am back” I said and sat on the other chair. He
looked at me and peacefully said “You never have any small talk. When I do not talk it is quiet here” “Hmm, you used to complain when I was talking, so I do not talk
much any more” - I replied. “No, I mean since I have known you, you never did any small talk. You only talk about some topics. It is probably your upbringing”. I
thought about this a bit, not that I understand what small-talk actually is, but... it is true, I do not like talking about nothing. When I talk with my father we
always discuss something, exchange some information knowledge or opinions. We do not talk for the sake of talking. And all the family from his side was like this. My mum
likes more to “talking about nothing” – she simply likes talking. So for example, if she is cooking, she will tell me that she is peeling the potatoes, after she has to
peel some carrots, then cut them up and so on. For me it can be said in one sentence – I am cooking dinner. It is probably why I can talk with my Dad for hours on the phone.
With my mum – after 10min we do not know what to talk about. She is not interested in topics I am interested in, and often she does not even understand what I am actually
talking about. And I do not have much interest in listening to something which is boring for me. “You are right, I do not like talking about nothing” - I said to George and
he replied “You are really a loner. You could be sent to central Australia, left at the edge of the road in the middle of nowhere and you would be perfectly happy on your own”.
“Not quite, I would prefer to have a dog” - I joked. “Yes, OK, but what I mean you would be happier to sit there on your own than if somebody stopped and talked to you”
“It depends if the people had something interesting to talk about, then I would be happy to talk. However, if they want to talk about nothing, then yes, I prefer to be on
my own, as this type of discussion makes me tired”. “Why did you not tell me this before we got married?” - he asked. “I was always like this, I was not hiding it from you”
was my reply and then he said “I know, you always were like this, but I thought that married life would change you”.
You know, Buddy, this feels a bit like somebody buys a fish and expects, that with time, the fish will start to behave like a parrot – fly and talk a lot. It is not very reasonable. You can expect that the fish will adapt to a new environment, but it will still need water to live in and it will not talk. As you cannot expect a parrot to start swimming and stop talking. You have to decide what you want before you buy it. Fair enough, sometimes it can happen that from excitement we do not know what we are actually buying, mistakes happen. But to be aware of buying a fish and expecting it to change into a parrot is not really smart...
Actually, Mark would not agree that I am a loner as I am catching up with him and with Penny and with some other people and I talk. With Mark I always have a good time talking for a quite a long time. And with Penny, I can talk for quite a few hours. And you know Buddy that with you, I could talk forever. So actually, though I am happy in my solitude I am not really a loner.
I had better finish now and get ready for my trip to town. George already left a few hours ago and I was by myself at home, sitting on the verandah and writing. I was just thinking that I could do it every day. I mean write in the morning, then do some work on the farm (ok, today I am not doing much work, just going to town, but I would be happy to start mowing now) and then write again. I feel really happy here with Darcy lying next to me and all the birds singing around me. Yes, there is something missing, but... I have to accept it...
I hope you will have a good day at work today.
Lots of Wings,