It is Sunday, late afternoon and I am sitting at the little dam writing to you and enjoying the nice time of the day. Darcy of course came with me. And because I already
locked the cattle in this paddock, they all came to the dam also. They are social animals, very curious so they had to come and see what is going on. Now they are standing
on one side of the dam chewing peacefully and watching us curiously. Darcy is not happy with the situation, she likes going for a swim but she does not feel safe when the
big animals come too close to us. Therefore from time to time, when, in her opinion they come to close to us, she will chase them away – they however, move only a few steps
back. She just came out of the water, shook and all the water splashed on my laptop and on me (obviously she does not care too much about electronics :)
I still have not managed to come here to camp. I wanted to do it over the Christmas break, but first the weather was very bad – cold and rainy, then I injured my hand and last weekend a red-back spider bit me. I could camp here tonight, but... George was very nice to me for the third weekend in a row and I know that he feels quite lonely here, so I decided to stay at home. We hardly do anything together, but at least he is not alone at home.
(Oh, two parrots just arrived at the dam and are having a drink. Also I can hear a lost duck quacking noisily somewhere)
It was quite a good weekend. I am especially happy with my progress in training Monsieur Bull. He started to make some trouble here, as he was either hiding in the bush or running all over the place. At some point the other animals started following him and locking them up was proving to be quite a challenging task. It happened a couple of times where he was not locked up, which is not good as while we are away he could come to the houses and damage our gardens. Last Monday I did not let them out, I just fed them in the small paddock. For the first time I was squatting at the feeders and Monsieur Bull was not scared of me. He was eating the lucerne with all other animals. Finally he understands that lucerne is quite a nice food. Yesterday, when I was locking up the cattle, he was the first to come in to the small paddock and today for the first time he went to the yards. I am really happy with his progress, I think he will be quite a nice animal and maybe we will keep him – he is also looking much better since he has been on our property being fed properly.
Darcy just rolled down the hill into me. She likes to roll on the grass after swim, but somehow she did not realise that she is on a slope and she rolled down. I am not sure who got more scared – me not knowing what the wet cold thing is which hit me or her not knowing how to stop. I already had a shower tonight and put clean clothes on, and now I am dirty from mud and wet...
Actually yesterday locking up the cattle was really challenging – it took me exactly 2 hours (usually it takes something between 20 and 30min). All because of the bull from our neighbours place. They separated the bull from all the other animals and he has been for weeks on his own and feels lonely. He is mooing desperately all the time and he has jumped the fence before and we had to get him back to the neighbours yards. Yesterday my friendly animals decided that they want to keep him company and therefore were going through the bush all the time back to the fence to cheer him up. Only Monsieur Bull with a couple of friends went straight to the paddock. It was a bit annoying, as in the bush I can only walk (I cannot take the quad) and these were quite long walks, taking into account that we have about 60 acres of bush. Not to mention that it is also not perfectly safe because of snakes and spiders and other creatures.
I just remembered that as a teenager I was petrified of spiders and hated spider-webs. My 'phobia' almost disappeared when, one day with my husband, I carried a hose and... 3 ugly, huge spiders with hairy legs started walking on my hand. I screamed “Spiders!!!” and was about to drop the hose when my husband screamed “Stop behaving like a woman and lets carry the hose!”. It was definitely better to have the spiders on my hand than listen to my husband screaming. Though at the end, my husband allowed me to shake off the spiders but without dropping the hose. And now when I walk through the bush and get spider-webs on my face and everywhere, I could not care less, just get them off and continue chasing the cattle. Funny how some things change – I had a kind of choice between keeping the spider phobia or keeping the farm. Living on a farm and being afraid of spiders does not work at all. Obviously I chose the farm...
It was quite a hot day today, I think the temperature reached 30 degrees (this is hot for me :). But we still managed to set up the cattle ramp – it is almost finished, just
the two top panels are missing. We worked together on the ramp and I was really surprised as George was not swearing or complaining and he was not angry with me. He really
tried to be nice. It is probably why we got so much done.
I also did some mowing. After the rain in the last few weeks, everything looks very pretty with lush green grass, but the grass grows very quickly and we have to mow it quite often.
It was... nice to see you on Thursday, though at the beginning very painful. It felt terrible when you passed, glimpsed at me and at once turned your head away, your eyes were “dead”, they did not show any emotions, your face stiff, numb and cold. Your posture, so proud, somehow cocky and arrogant. It hurt me a lot... Though I think I know why you were doing it – because you want to hide your real feelings and actually you do not want to have the feelings you have for me. But maybe I am wrong and you simply do not know how to behave, as you do not know how I feel about you since the last couple of emails, or maybe you are just kind of embarrassed because of our email communication last year... One thing you can be sure, my feelings towards you will not change as they are true feelings and I am not steered by emotions.
Somehow it reminded me of Adam. In some respect he was a bit similar to you. I mean inside his heart, like you, he was a very loving and sensitive person, but he always believed that feelings are something bad, a weakness and he has to protect himself from the world. He must not show his feelings as this will make him vulnerable. Therefore he was very arrogant and disrespectful to others and I was the only person who knew his wonderful caring side. Nevertheless, at some point, he started to treat me in the same way he treated everybody else – disgraceful, derogatory, humiliating. He was doing it because he did not want to have the feelings he had for me, for whatever reason he wanted to hate me. One day actually, he told me that he had had enough of caring for me, always thinking about me - am I alright, instead of thinking about himself and his career. After he broke up with me and threw me out of the flat, I wanted him to look into my eyes and say that he did not love me any more. It took him a long while to be able to do this, but when he finally did, he had the “dead eyes” look. That is when I knew that our relationship was over, but not because he did not love me any more, he still loved me, that is why he had to look at me with “dead eyes”... I knew it was over because he was able to look at me with “dead eyes” . However, why he broke up... as I said before, I still do not know exactly why.
I also do not like to show feelings, and I thought it is because I am afraid others could hurt me again. Therefore, when you passed me by, being so cold, my almost instinctive
thought was “OK, if you are giving me the cold shoulder I will do the same to you”. However, immediately I thought why would I do something like this. I definitely do not want
to hurt you, I want to support you. And I also know that you would not want to hurt me. Yes, I was hurt recently, but it was not so much you hurting me, it is just the situation
we are in. You are just trying to... protect yourself or to help yourself to get through the situation you are in.
Anyway, at the end, I did not know what to do. I knew I had to discuss the work issues, but... If you do not want to see me, then I do not want to push myself on you. That is why I started discussing the work issues with the other guy. (And believe me it took all my strength to force myself to go over to your department – I might look very tough and I am strong but underneath... I have feelings as well, and I am a shy person). However, I was pleased that he got you involved, though at the beginning, it was a bit awkward as I did not know how to behave – I do not know how much changed in your life since we talked last time. Usually my response to a comment like “Have you seen Buddy after his holidays?” would be “No, how was your holiday?” or “Yes, we chatted before”. But what should I say in the situation when I have not seen you and am not sure if you want to talk to me? Nevertheless, I was really pleased that, at the end, we could discuss the work issues together – I like working with you, it is somehow very easy and things get done quickly. And it was great, a relief for me, to look into your eyes and see them happy. Even if we talked only about work, it did not matter, it was great to see your eyes smiling.
On Friday, as usual, I caught up with Penny and we chatted for a while. In some respect emotionally or with feelings, she is in a similar situation as I am (ok, she is a widow, but the other part is similar - she also has a 'Buddy' in her life; a very similar situation). She can understand me very well and I love to talk to her. She was saying that even if sometimes people have been unpleasant or arrogant towards her and hurt her, she would always respond with kindness and politeness. It does not matter how much somebody hurt her she would stay friendly to them, and at the same time retain her dignity. It made me think why I got hurt so much when you passed me by being so cold and why I had the thought that I could give you the cold shoulder. First I thought that I was just trying to protect myself from being hurt again, but... it does not make sense, as I know what is going on in your head and I know that you do not want to hurt me and I know that, if there was nobody else around, I would just come to you and talk. And if you would give me the cold shoulder or be cold and arrogant to me and you would hurt me, then... fair enough, I would just walk away without getting angry or upset. Actually, when I was talking to Penny, I realised that the reason for me getting upset was... pride. When Adam left me I promised myself that whatever happens in my life I will not allow any man to treat me in the way that Adam treated me. Never again will anybody bring me so low, humiliate and demean me, never. The interesting part is that it was not you I was 'afraid' of, no, it was the people around us... I was afraid that the people around us would scorn and sneer at me. It is quite funny as usually I do not care at all what people say – as I said, even if everybody would say that we are having an affair or whatever, I would not care (as I know it is not true, and even if it was - it is not their business). But, because previously I was humiliated and obviously the wounds have not healed yet, I do not want to go through this again, even if it would be only in my head or my imagination. I simply cannot stand the thought that people could think that I am 'clinging' to a man... Crazy, I think it is something I still have to work on... Pride is not good at all... And trying to be a friend is not the same as clinging to somebody.
I do not know why, but somehow I feel a bit down today and I really miss you Buddy very much... Why did it have to be you who got attracted to me? No one ever gets attracted to me, not even George was attracted to me though, for whatever reason, he decided to marry me (it is pointless to say that George is not attracted to me now - this is normal as husbands, somehow, are hardly ever attracted to their wives ;). I do not try to look attractive or sexy, I do not flirt or try to get attention from anybody. I am just an average shy woman, that's all. I just wanted to help you, I did not know myself that I will feel about you the way I do, I did not think that it is possible for me to have this type of feeling again... I just wanted to be friends... Yes, I know you explained why... somehow today it does not help much. I had better finish now before I whine and snivel too much ;)
Lots of Wings,