When I was walking to the motel tonight I was watching planes flying hight in the sky. I could not see the moon as it was cloudy, though
sometimes a little bit of moon-light came through the clouds. I watched the planes and it made me feel very good and calm – somehow
I associate them with freedom – free like a bird. I remembered when I started studying in Germany for half a year I lived in a mouldy
cellar about 5km from the university. I was commuting by push-bike and every time on my way to and from uni I drove across a bridge over
an Autobahn. I called it “Autobahn to the sky” as the road was straight for quite a long way and it ended touching the horizon. It looked
like it was going to the sky. Sometimes I stopped on the bridge, especially at sunset, as then the sun was standing at the end of the
Autobahn, I was watching the cars disappearing on the horizon and thinking that one day I will be free, free to go wherever I want to,
travel a lot and choose the place where I want to live. One day I will be living my dream. A lot happened in between, I had great times
and I had terrible times, but the day came, I graduated from the university and the Autobahn took me... to the airport and so I got to
the sky and landed in the country I wanted to live in.
And now I almost have the perfect life, as I love the farm. But there are some things missing and also some disruptions interrupting my peaceful lifestyle. And then I look at the planes and think that one day the obstructions will disappear and the missing pieces will fill the empty spots in my life and I will be travelling a lot and laughing a lot all the time, also at home. The planes are giving me hope again, the same hope the autobahn was giving me years ago.
When I read your comments to my email about Leslie Dam and how you felt reading it, it made me think about so many things... One of them was that I suddenly remembered that I also had a lake in my home country to which I was very strong connected as a child. With my parents we used to go there quite often. There my father had his little sailing boat. We went there sailing, swimming and camping. It was about 30km from our home. Sometimes we went there on push-bikes. I remember like occasionally during the night a very heavy storm came and we were sitting in the old tent listening to the drops of heavy rain hitting the tent and to the stories my dad was telling us or sometimes playing some card-games. We often swam in the lake even in the rain. One time it was quite cool, already night-time, it was raining and a thunderstorm came. My father and I went for a swim and we watched the lightning on the sky. My mum was standing on the shore, screaming and wanting us to get out of the water. She was right, during a thunderstorm the water is one of the most dangerous places, but... We were lucky, we survived and now I have one of the most beautiful memories from that place. I still can see the huge drops of rain splashing on the lake and the amazing lightening illuminating the coal-black sky (and actually in the water it was much warmer than outside, so it was difficult to get out of the water).
All my memories from that place are wonderful – though one day I almost drawn in that lake. Already as a child I was a very good swimmer, though in some circumstances it does not matter how good we can swim we cannot win with the water – the power of the nature will always beat us. On that day there was a very strong whirlpool under the water. I could not see it and suddenly something caught my leg and was pulling me down. I could not get out of this, the enormous power was pulling me under the water, I was struggling to get some air as my head was more and more under water. Luckily my dad was close to me, he saw what was happening and he pulled me out. I was in panic and I did not want to swim any-more. I just hold to my dad and actually demanded that he carries me out of the water. However, he looked me in the eyes and said “No, you will swim back. All is OK now, you will be all right and now you swim” and he let me go. I hated him at that moment – how could he do it to me! But I had no choice, I had to swim or I would drown. When I got out of the water I... stopped hating my dad, as I understood his reason to force me to swim – this was he only way hat I could overcome the sudden fear of swimming. If he carried me out of the water, most probably I would be petrified of water and swimming until today. Luckily he did what he did and now I still love water and swimming :)
I do not have any photos from that place, I somehow completely forgot about it. I was too busy with everyday life and did not think about all the beautiful memories from the past. But now when I think about all these it make me feel good – it is like an escape from the, sometimes very stressful, everyday life. I googled the place to see some pictures of it. And the first photo I found was so similar to one photo I took years ago at Leslie dam – the lake and couple of hills in the background and the light of sun setting down glittering on the water. Next time when I will visit my parents I will go to the lake and take some photos.
The memories... Yes, sometimes they can make us feel quite weak... For the last few years I lived with the believe that I will never ever have feelings again, therefore nobody will be able to deeply hurt me, and nothing and no-one will be able to upset, disturb or in any way muddle my “perfect life-style”. I pushed away all memories which in any way could make me feel emotional and organised my life accordingly to my believes. I felt strong, indestructible and unbreakable. Nothing could get into my way to success, there was not any obstacle which would scare or stop me. Nevertheless, this changed a bit. I still feel strong and I know that I can “move the mountains” if I want to, but I also know that I can have feelings again and through this I discovered (or maybe better remembered) what I am missing in life. Therefore sometimes there are the days or moments when I feel like a little girl and want to hide from the world. I feel so hopeless and have no idea what I should do (I think you know something about this part of me ;) I will see, hopefully with time I get used to the new situation of having feelings and I will behave more normal.
I am not sure if you remember Buddy, but you mentioned that because of all the extraordinary people you met, sometimes talking to an average person is not easy, it feels like you overwhelm them. It is one of the reasons why I avoid people. Yes, there were plenty of bad things which happened in my past, but one of the main reasons why I avoid people is the complete luck of understanding – I can understand them, but hardly anybody can understand me (maybe it is because of my accent ;). And the worst is, when people start to tell me what I think (like for example my mother or my husband or many others) and they are always wrong. I desperately try to explain them what I really think, but they do not listen, they just keep telling me that I am wrong, because I think something else. What a crazy situation - I know what I think...
Sometimes I also compare that talking to some people feels like talking to a frog in a well. You go to the frog and say “I saw the ocean. It is huge!” And the frog asks “How big is the ocean. 10 times bigger than my well?” “Oh no, it is huge, you cannot compare it to your well. Come, I will show you” “Oh no, I cannot leave my well. So how big is the ocean. Is it 100 times bigger than my well?” And it makes you feel so hopeless, you cannot do anything, except of... go crazy or walk away.
You know Buddy, I am amazed how strong we connected. I never had such a strong connection with anybody. With you I do not need to worry that you would
misunderstand me – somehow you always get the point what I am trying to say, even if I say a sentence that actually I cannot understand myself ;)
I would love to go with you to all the places you love and to do with you all the things you enjoy doing. As I would love to take you to the places
I have great memories of and show you my end of the world, the place I came from. At this stage it seems absolutely impossible that we will ever have
the chance to do these things together. But then, there were so many impossible things in my life which one day became the reality. This makes me
believe that everything is possible, as long as we have the hope and the faith that one day it will happen. As I said before, so often I had doubts
that I would ever complete my master degree (and nobody believed that I would ever achieve it; at the beginning even my dad did not think that I
would ever complete the university) – only 20% of all the students who started also graduated. Nevertheless, I was one of them, though at the
beginning I even could not speak the language I studied in. Therefore I believe that the best we can do at the moment is to have the faith that
one day everything will be possible and we will be able to do all these things together and in the meantime just enjoy the little bit of time we
have together. (On the radio they are just playing the song “To Everything there is a season”, somehow it fits with this what I am writing now)
Sometimes I feel that in some respect we already now share our lives together – as I said before nobody knows me as well as you do. We might not have a lot of time that we can spend together, but the time we have is great. And probably, because our time together is so limited, we appreciate it much more than if we could be together all the time. And all these just strengthen the connection between us, which I believe is great. As they say – the fruit that ripens quickly, also goes bad quickly.
And I often feel as if you were with me all the time. In the morning when I walk to the cattle it feels as if you were walking with me. I sit at the little dam and it feels as if you were be sitting next to me. I feed the cattle and watch them chewing and it feels as if you were standing next to me. I watch the moon and I feel as if you were holding me tight and we were watching the moon together. I just feel the connection to you all the time.
Anyway, I hope you had a good sleep today after your long night-shift and all the meetings and you will have great days off.
Lots of Wings,