The first weekend in the new year finished and so also my holidays came to an end. Tomorrow I have to drive to the city and start work again.
Sunday afternoon and all Monday was not very nice. Sunday afternoon we had our marriage discussion which actually started with the topic of helping others and being patient
and understanding. I said that I am very thankful to Vince that he was so patient, forgiving and indulgent with me. He tolerated all my moods and ups and downs and he was
always supporting me. Mentally I was a mess, my moods were changing constantly, but he tolerated all of this and was always there for me. George replied that he would never
ever do what Vince did – if somebody has some mental issues, is emotionally unstable, then he does not want to have anything to do with these kinds of people. They are not
worth his attention, he does not need these types of friends. As you can imagine, Buddy, this really hurt me as my husband actually said to me that, in my times of
difficulties and needs, I would not be worth his attention or his help. First I thought that maybe he simply does not understand what he is actually saying, I tried to explain
to George how much Vince helped me and how much he changed my life. I tried to explain to George that friendship is actually a two-way street – if I need help, my friend
will help me and if my friend is in need, I will be always there for him. Unfortunately I was not successful in my explanations. For George the friendship theory is simple
“First come to my level, be like I am and then I will see if I can have you as my friend”. No, this theory is definitely not for me. I am thankful for every friend I have,
I am thankful that they accept me as their friend. If I come across people who are in difficulties, confused or emotionally unstable I will do what I can to help them. I
know that it could be difficult for me, as I never know what will happen and what to expect from people who are too emotional, but I also know how much a good friend can
help and how much one gesture, one smile, one hug can change the life of a person. And who knows, one day it could be me who is in trouble and hopefully then there will be
somebody who helps me.
Our discussion went from friendship to our marriage. At some point George said “Yes, I really wanted and hoped that our marriage would work. On the day I signed the papers I gave you half of my wealth. This shows you how much I trusted you and hoped that the marriage will work”. “Yes, it is true, legally you gave me half of your wealth, but you also knew that whatever would happen in our marriage I would never ever take the money. It would be against my values in life. I know it is your money” I responded. “Yes I know and your values are what I always liked about you, I knew that you would never take the money”. It is easy to give something to somebody knowing that the person will not take it. And then he said: “Financially you are also much better off with me than you would be on your own. At least at this stage. So you should not complain and you should be happy”. First it is not me who is constantly complaining and is unhappy, and secondly from the day we met I was telling George that money cannot buy me, I am not for sale. I am a free bird who prefers to struggle with the forces of nature and fight to find corn on a field to eat and survive, than to be fed with the best corn on the planet and be locked in a golden cage. The only thing I wish for in life is to be loved and to be accepted as I am.
I know, Buddy, one could argue that I am living on a farm and the farm was not for free. Yes, I love the farm and I want to stay and live here and yes it cost a lot of money. However, it is not the money which made the farm so precious for me. It is the hard work we put into it, these are all the hardships, struggles and joys I experienced in this place. As I said before in one of my emails, if we lived in a multimillion dollar house in one of the best suburbs or cities in the world and we could not be happy together, I would just walk away from all of it leaving all the money behind.
With the farm, however... Yes, one thing is that I love the farm very much and I do not want to loose it, but the other issue is that if we sold the farm we would loose an enormous amount of money – almost equivalent to a value of a small house in the area here. Which means that in order to be able to keep to my promises and to not disadvantage George financially, I would need to pay this money back. I could not walk away from here as there is too much work for one person and George could not do it on his own. And anyway the farm was my dream not his. He would prefer to have just 5 acres somewhere closer to a city. He bought the farm for or because of me. I did not know that at that time – I thought it was his dream as well, as everything started when one day we came here for a long weekend away and he made a comment “It would be nice to have a farm somewhere here...”.
Perfect example that it is not worth doing things for others against what we are feeling and wanting ourselves. He hates the farm, dreams how nice it would be to have something else, to be somewhere else, constantly thinks what a big mistake he made when he bought the farm, and how much happier he would be somewhere else and through all this he starts to hate me and I... I am more and more often scared of him. Not the perfect situation to be in for either of us...
The discussion with George got sort of interrupted as the day was coming to an end and I had to go and lock up the cattle. And again we agreed that we both will do the best to make our marriage work.
On Monday I had to work for a few hours, though I actually still was on holidays. When I finished work, George again started a discussion about our marriage. I am
slowly getting tired of the discussions... There was a plan that we could go somewhere on the motorbikes, but my bike did not start and it turned out that the battery was
broken. Probably better so, as a ride today would not be safe, George is still in “fighting mood”. He was saying that to make our marriage work we both have to change,
we have to meet half-way. But first we both have to admit that we are not happy here, that we are not able to live here together, that we have to learn how to live
together and that we do not have any options, therefore we have to make it work. And so we got back to the money discussion. “I am working on the website and writing books
and I hope that I will be successful, make some money and then you will have the choice” - I told George, as I cannot stand the constant money talks. “Ah, so you are not
going to try to make our marriage work. You are going to make the money and go away”. “No, I am not going anywhere...“ “You want me to leave” - George interrupted me.
“No, I just want you to be happy, I want to give you a choice, as it is you who is always complaining unhappy and angry here, not me. I love the farm and I am happy here”.
“Now you are blaming me for everything. But I am only angry because of you. You make me angry. If you weren't here I would not be angry, so it is us, not me”.
I remember one time I had a discussion with Mark about “others making us angry”, how people blame a situation or others for making them angry. Though in reality the anger is actually our reaction and therefore our choice. We might not like what the other said or did or a situation can upset us, but how we react to it is our choice. Therefore if we get angry then it is our choice, our reaction and therefore we should take responsibility for what we did. Even his children understand it – not that they like it, but understand it.
I am definitely not blaming anybody for anything. I just try to open his eyes, that it is not me who is unhappy here and has constant problems. I accepted him as he is,
I do not complain about his dirty cloths spread all over the house, about used tissues drying on tables and kitchen bench before being put into the rubbish bin, about
constantly buying new tools as there is a tool for every single job to do, so we need the special tool to do the job properly, I am not telling him how to do things,
how to behave, how to speak. I know how he is and I accepted him as he is. And even his constant complains I was tolerating and always tried to cheer him up. However,
he cannot accept me as I am.
Do you know Buddy what I cannot get over? A few weeks ago he told me that he loves the values I have in life, but the values are not enough for every day living. And he does not like the person I am. He does not like the happy, carefree, laughing spontaneous person, the child in me. When he married me he hopped, that with time, he will be able to make me the person he wants me to be. Nevertheless, for 5 years he worked hard on changing me and I did not do anything. I just stayed as I was. And now he is forced to accept me, he does not have a choice, because there is no money...
Today at some point, he told me that he regrets that he got married. He said that he was very good all that time and never got married and always avoided women until I came along. And now he regrets the step and if anybody would ask him for advice he would say that they never should get married. Marriage was the biggest mistake in his life. You know Buddy, this hurt me as well, for from the beginning, I was honest with him, I was who I am, I did not pretended to be somebody else, I did not deceive him and I did not manipulate him. I was who I am, and he can confirm it as well. Why did he marry me if he did not like me?
As a result of our conversation, to make our marriage work I would need to change, stop laughing so much, stop being so optimistic and hopeful, start worrying and stressing more and get more serious. And he will try to accept the happy part of me. If we do not make it work and there will not be any money to have a choice, then he does not know what will happen, but from his reactions until now I know that... I could not “live with the consequences”...
I do not know what to think and how to feel... I was honest from the beginning, but was everybody honest? I kept to all my promises I gave when we married – I am supporting him as much as I can, I am working on the farm (of course this part I love) and I am making the money to pay the bills and support our life style. I am not sure what I have done wrong, except ... at some point not following my intuition and trying to use logic...
Anyway, I hope you are well and your efforts to get your marriage on the right track are going better than mine. I keep my fingers crossed and I hope that everything is going well for you and in the direction you wish it to go.
Lots of Wings,