It is 3 weeks now since I wrote to you for the last time. It is not because I do not feel like writing to you any more. No I still
love writing to you, just a lot was happening lately. And sometimes I also struggle a bit with the fact that I have feelings again.
Mark said that after all these years I am alive again. I am alive because I have feelings again. Yes, it is true, feelings define us
as humans. They make us who we are and they make our life more colourful, not so monotone. Though sometimes they can be very draining,
tiring and exhausting so... maybe it is better to be dead ;) No, not really, just joking. I just have to get used to the 'new way of
living'. For the last few years I had a perfect, very peaceful life. I accepted solitude as my way of living and I was happy in my
little world. Now everything got a bit swirled. Once there are the feelings and second lack of the ability to be in touch with you
also is a bit confusing for me. Anyway, I understand your choice and respect it. I know it is because of your consciousness – you
feel guilty when you talk to me.
I do not feel guilty when I talk to you or when we occasionally do something together. I know the boundaries of my current contract, and I know that I will not step over the line. Nothing what we have done until now was overstepping the line. And how I feel about you... in some respect it does not matter... We cannot control feelings (we can control emotions, but not feelings). We can only control what we are doing with them. And I/we are not doing anything wrong.
Anyway, all the feelings were confusing me lately a lot and the best way of dealing with them is... physical activities. It is why I got very involved in wood chipping – for two weekends in a row I was very busy cutting tree after tree and created the biggest hill of wood-chips I have ever done. Now I have to do something with the wood-chips – most probably spread them in our rock garden. This will take me quite a few weekends... Honestly, I would prefer to continue cutting trees – this somehow is the best job to not let my feelings disturbing me too much (luckily I have 60 acres of bush, so it should keep me calm for a few decades, taking into account that I can do this job only on the weekends :). However, before I can continue with this lovely job I not only have to do something with my huge wood-chips mountain, but also clear all the old dead wood lying on the ground in the area I cleared from black wattles... Otherwise George does not allow me to continue with the chipping – he says when I will do too much chipping then the knives on the wood-chipper get blunt too quickly. We spent 25k to buy a machine good enough to clear the bush and now I should not use it too much as it will get used? What is the use of a machine if we cannot use it? And we have already at least three sets of knives and he is going to buy couple of more sets. What for if I cannot use the machine anyway? I do not get it...
So as you can see I did not have the best time in the last few weeks and actually when I caught up with Mark last week I was so tired of everything
that I told him that I want to leave for Canada and start from the beginning. Marked laugh and said - “Yes, of course just run away. You will meet
new people and after a while you will end up with the same problems just with different people”. In some respect he is right... No point in running
away – much better to solve the problems. Though if somebody looks at my resume it almost looks like I am constantly running away from something –
if something goes wrong then... just change the country, learn the language and start from the beginning (I have plenty of experience in starting
from the beginning). No wonder that when I arrived in Australia for the first time they kept me at the air-port for over an hour as they could not
understand why I lived for so long in Germany and I did not change my citizenship. They really believed that I am hiding something and therefore
running away and changing countries. They did the full police check on me calling back to Europe, but they did not find anything. I am not hiding
anything and changing countries is actually not so much running away as chasing my dream. And the farm is my dream, so I am not going to run away
from here. And also I could not leave Darcy :)
And other funny thing was that when I mentioned Canada to somebody else, the reaction was - “Why Canada? It is like Australia just colder. Nothing there”. Funny.
The turning point was when I lost my sunglasses. First it was like the drop which makes the glass overflow – I had really enough of everything. The fact of losing the sunnies was not a big deal as such (ok, maybe it was as they were quiet expensive sunglasses, a few hundreds dollars), but it showed me how tired and confused I was. I very seldom lose anything and if I do at least I can recall when I had the thing the last time and what I did since. This time I had no idea – just emptiness in my head. I did not have any hope that I would see them again. Especially knowing that one time I left my sunnies (much cheaper once) in a motel and never saw them again, nobody handed them to the reception. Anyway, I decided to do my best to find them - typical for me – never ever give up; even if I do not find them at least I will know I did my best. And believe it or not, I found them – it turned out that I lost them on a bus and somebody handed it back to the Lost Property office. I was very happy about this, especially as it showed me that sometimes things are not as bad as they seem to be. This gave me hope that when I persevere with the other things in my life, that at the moment are not looking very good, one day everything will be OK. And also it shows that there are still good and honest people out there.
And the best part of the week was when I went to Toastmasters and saw ring on Lana’s finger. I mentioned Lana before to you – she is the one
with two school-aged kids who left her husband after 20 years of being together. Yes, she is the bad one – she should support her husband and
go with him through good or bad, and what did she do? She left him. She split the family, separated the kids from their father and so on.
Nobody ask her about the mental terror and humiliation she went through because of her husband. Of course not, at the end she is the one who
is always looking happy, smiling, cheering up and helping others. Funny how people judge not knowing anything about the real life and problems
of the person they judge. Actually the choice she had was between her husband and her children. One time she said to me “I should be the sunshine
for my children. I should cheer them up and make them smile and be happy. How can I do it when my husband is pushing me down all the time”. She did
not expect her husband to help her, she just wanted him to stop the mental terror at home, stop disturbing her, using her and pushing her down. At
some point she met the other man and made the decision to leave her husband. It was not easy for her, thousands of thoughts went through her
head - the thoughts of duties she has as a wife and a mother, the fact of splitting family, financial issues. She ended up with a lot of debts
(her ex-husband used her a lot and she just wanted to get out of the situation she was in), but she said “This is only money. This can be fixed.
Do not think about money, just follow your heart and you will be happy. The time I went through the separation and divorce was a nightmare, but
now I am really happy and I am glad I did it”.
It made me feel really good to see Lana happy. She is a wonderful woman and a great mum and she really deserves to have a supporting partner and a happy life.
And for me it was also good to see that there are some stories which look absolutely terrible and hopeless, which have a... happy ending. Yes, I know it is difficult to talk about an ending in this case, but at least for that chapter of her life it is an end to the horrible past and a beginning of something new, and at this moment she is very happy. Again another story to show me that it is worth to have hope and to persevere with my dreams.
I better get ready to go to bed, early morning tomorrow as I have to drive to the city and go to work.
Lots of Wings,