I hope your last night shift was not too bad and you could get a good sleep today and are ready for the next work-night.
I am having a great day. Do you know what I am doing right now? I am sitting in my caravan, listening to Magic 882 and writing to you. The caravan is parked in a shed, so not very exciting. However, on the other hand it does not matter where it is parked as being inside the van and at night-time I cannot see the outside world anyway.
I lived in this caravan for two years when I had to be in the city 5 days a week. It was always a nice escape for me after a busy work day. It was my little world where I could forget about everything and feel like I was on holidays. I have very good memories from that time (as you probably already noticed, I have good memories about everything that happened in my life – this is the positive side-effect of having... a very short or bad memory ;), so I am enjoying the time now. I am going to sleep here tonight. Darcy is lying at the door (and snoring already), little Buddy is sitting next to my laptop and the music makes me... think of you, Buddy.
Yesterday my drive home was very good. There was not much traffic and most of the way I could use my spotlights, which is what I love doing. When I was going over the
Gap, for a short time I turned off the head-lights of the car (at that time of the night there is hardly any traffic so it was perfectly safe) and for a couple of
minutes I was driving slowly by the light of the half-moon and enjoying the view of the town in the valley. It was magic. When I arrived home Darcy was over the moon.
Usually when I arrive home she is already in the house in her bed and the best I can get from her are two wags of her tail. Yesterday there were plenty of jumps and
barks and kisses. It was very nice.
And I probably do not need to add that spending the evening with you made my day and receiving your nice messages was the perfect close for the day.
Today in the morning I was working, but in the afternoon I had a lot of fun. A week ago I told mum (my mother-in-law) that we will go to a lavender farm if the weather
is nice. Hmm... the weather was not the best, cloudy and cool and the forecast was for heavy showers and thunderstorms. I decided to take my chances and take mum for a
drive anyway. Who knows maybe we would be lucky and the weather stays without rain. If not we would just come back to the nursing home. Sure enough on the way to the
nursing home at some stage it was pouring rain. However, when I arrived at mum's the rain stopped. Mum was waiting for me. She was not quite sure if we would go or not,
because of the weather, but just in case she was ready to go. We walked to the car and on the way she met one of her friends (another resident of the nursing home).
They started chatting about everything and anything as if they had not seen each other for years (though most probably not more than a day passed since their last chat).
They talked about the books they were reading and about programs they watched, about some people they met and about their recent outings. Only from time to time the elderly
lady threw in a comment “Oh, your daughter is waiting patiently, I'd better let you go”. This made me wonder if these two ladies are simply putting my patience to the test,
as after the comment their conversations simply kept flowing. If it was a test, then it seems that at some point I finally passed it and was able to get mum into the car.
The farm is about 25min drive from the nursing home. The weather improved and from time to time even the sun came out. We arrived at the destination. It took mum a while
to walk from the car to the shop, especially as she had to stop at every plant and have a good look at it (she loves plants and gardens, probably similar to your mum).
I used the time to take some photos (mum has her wheelie-walker, so she did not need my assistance)
An elderly woman was looking after the shop. She told us a bit about the farm and informed us that the owners were away for a few days but should be back soon. Mum looked at all the products in the shop and obviously enjoyed the time. In the meantime the owners arrived. The woman – Terry – she can talk. Not often I meet people who talk so much, nevertheless she is very friendly and a good natured person. After our shopping at their little store, we all had coffee (or tea in my case) together. Terry was telling us about their trip, with all details including where and what they ate. It was not actually a fun-trip, it was to a hospital where her husband had a second back operation, as the first one a couple of months ago did not go well. From time to time her husband interrupted her with a short comment and made everybody laugh. For example Terry said “...And then I walked into the shop...” “Where Terry spend at least an hour and half” - added her husband “Oh no, I am very good at shopping. Just in and out” replied Terry and everybody laughed as we all know that we see ourselves very differently than others see us. We talked about the weather and about the farm, about people and about dogs. We had a wonderful time. These people here have not had an easy life. Years of hardship left marks on their bodies and restricted their movements. But their faces are smiling and their eyes are happy. The time was passing very quickly and we had to go back. As soon as we closed the door to the car the rain started pouring down. It was so heavy that the drive became quite challenging (the positive part about the heavy rain is I do not have to wash my car this weekend. The rain did it for me ;) Nevertheless a few minutes later the rain stopped and when we arrived at the nursing home the sun came out. I glimpsed at mum and she looked very content and pleased with the trip. She told me that she really enjoyed it.
It made me think how important it is to just take chances in life. You see Buddy, if George and I were to go, we would not go today as the forecast for rain was 90%. We would wait for the perfect moment and we would miss such a wonderful time. Yes, the timing is important. The time has to be right, as we cannot plant winter-crops in summer. However, when the time is right then we should take any opportunity to put the seeds into ground and not wait for the perfect moment as it might never come and we will miss the season.
I am so happy that I could do something for mum. Who knows if she will be still with us tomorrow. Yes, it is true, nobody knows if we will be here tomorrow, but at her age, every day on this planet is actually a precious gift.
Talking about taking chances in life made me think about Monsieur Bull (one of my animals, if you forgot). One day I watched him from the verandah and he was looking really good. He is not skinny any-more, his wounds healed and he became stronger and calmer. I said to George that the animal took his chances, jumped the barbed wire fence, got injured, but at the end he is having a good life. There are another two little bulls on the neglected property and they are looking terrible (luckily for me they did not take their chances – I do not want to end up with too many bulls ;). To my surprise George agreed and said “Yes, everybody has to take chances in life, even the animals”. He understands it but he does not want to take any chances himself. Why? I cannot understand this...
Coming back to today. After I left mum I caught up with Penny. As usual we had great time. We also discussed my writing and Penny gave me some good advice. At some point
she made a comment “You are very strong, you like being on your own and you are happy without people, but not everybody is like you. Some people can find the thought of
accepting being alone terrifying and depressing. When you write you have to take this into account, otherwise your writing could be depressing for some people”. I know that
Penny is right and many people are terrified of the thought of being on their own and I am very thankful for her comments. The comment, however, also reminded me that many
people think of me and of what I have done or achieved as “it is easy for you because you are so strong”. Actually when people say it to me, it is hurting me, because... yes,
now I am strong, but it was not always like this. I was not born like this, I trained myself to become stronger. We all understand that in order to become physically stronger
we have to train. If we want to build up muscles we have to exercise, eat and rest properly. Unfortunately not many people understand that it is exactly the same with mental
strength – just training, plus proper diet and rest.
A few years ago I was a mess, and close to ending up in a mental institution. Anybody who knew me at that time can confirm that I was at the verge and it is a wonder that I did not fall over. Nobody wanted to be around me, my father could not listen to me any-more, my sister's husband did not want me to come for a visit (and I do not blame them for this). I was literary crazy. I could not imagine life without Adam and life without love. The only thing I ever wished for in life was love and it was taken away from me. I was devastated and I did not want to live any-more. I just did not want to exist. Actually I desperately needed help but... nobody seemed to be able to help me. Later I understood that I simply was not ready for help... Nobody can help us until we make the conscious decision that we want to change something in our life and get out of the state we are in.
I just remember that at that time when Adam left me I met a few people from different churches who were strong believers (I respect all religions, but I am not religious myself). All the people were telling me that they would pray for me that God would give me strength. And I thought that should they pray for me, that I would prefer they pray that Adam changes his mind and comes back to me. Yes, the thought of life without Adam and without love was terrifying and depressing. There was no life without Adam for me. I did not want to accept the thought of being on my own at all.
Now, years later, I understand that actually these people were right. Should I ever “pray for something” in life, then I would pray that God gives me... strength and wisdom. With time I learned that there is life without Adam. Love is still the most important thing for me. I wish to be with the man who loves me and whom I love and I hope that one day I will be with him together and love will be back in my life. However, if I cannot have it at the moment what should I do? Should I be desperate because I cannot have what I want in life? One thing for sure, despair does not lead to anything good in life...
I am not a super human being with some supernatural strength. I am just an average shy woman, who’s biggest dream has been to love and to be loved, but who could not have what she wanted and decided to accept life as it is. I trained myself for many years to become a stronger person and now I am strong. It was, however, a lot of hard work.
It is getting late. I had better to go to bed now. I hope you will have a good night at work without too much stress.
Lots of Wings,