I thought about Tuesday evening, your reaction when you received the phone call. It showed how much you got hurt by the Dora saga. You were really
is just an excuse. I mean work colleagues should not do such things to each other. For me it looks more that it was some “private issue”,
some kind of jealousy or whatever...
Anyway, that is not what I was going to talk about. And don't worry, I understand your reaction very well, it is just sad that something like that had happened to you... Do you know, Buddy, what I admire about you the most? Something that I was able to comprehend yesterday evening… The unbelievable trust you have. People say you should “love as if nobody has hurt you before” – easy to say, but not so easy to do. You are able to do it – you just trust me as if you have never been hurt before, though your wounds are so fresh… The trust you showed, through the emails you wrote to me talking about your feelings and emotions in such an open and direct way. I hope I will never ever betray your trust or disappoint you in any way. I would like to say I will never ever do it but, as we both know as soon as we say “I will never do it” the circumstances will make us do it. Therefore I will say, I hope I will never ever hurt you or disappoint you.
I had a lot of difficulties to be able to trust again. As you notice I write about my feelings, but often in a way so it can be interpreted in
many ways. Just in case if somebody would try to hurt me, laugh at me, then I can turn it around and protect myself… I trust you a lot and after the
Tuesday situation I trust you even more. I can say that I have never trusted anybody as much as I trust you and it is definitely not you who I am afraid of.
I know that you would never, ever hurt me (as I said before, I was hurt by the “Good Bye” letter, but it was not you who hurt me, it was the situation).
I will give you an example, what I mean by “being hurt by somebody” and why I was afraid to trust anybody. Yes, I was hurt in relationships, it is true, and it made me more cautious, but it is not the root cause of me being so wary.
Everything actually started in my childhood. As I mentioned to you before I do not like it when people touch me and I have always been like this, even as a little child. I did not like being cuddled by my parents, I did not like greetings with hugs and kisses, even sitting close to somebody made me feel uncomfortable (it was a nightmare on overcrowded buses and trains which were normal in my home country). When my parents bought their first TV often we watched TV in their bedroom. My sister was always in bed with them and I was usually sitting on the floor next to the bed. I just needed my space. My mum laughed at me saying that I did not like being cuddled and kissed by her, but I would enjoy it when some strange guy would come to me, touch me and kiss me. She always said it in a quite disgusting way, in a sneering and derisive voice, laughing at me. It was really hurtfull and somehow made me think that love is a weakness and if I show love I will make a fool of myself. (I am sure my mum did not really mean to hurt me, she just tried to change me; and she most probably saw it as a joke, though for me it was not funny at all. At the end the man I love is not a strange bloke... he is somebody special to me). At some point I had a very weird time – I wanted to be loved, but I thought I was not worthy of it and nobody will ever love me. I was very confused and some other things went wrong. At the end all this taught me that I have to be careful, do not show my feelings, hide it, as otherwise people will laugh at me and hurt me. Years later when I met Adam, it took me weeks to tell him I loved him, though we lived together.
I changed a bit and now I am not so afraid or petrified of touching. I still do not like it if a stranger touches me, but I like a hug from a friend. And of course I like to be close to the man I love.
I just remembered another situation which also made me feel afraid of people. It happened during my study before I met Adam. There was some guy at the uni who knew quite a bit about me, but I did not know (and until today I still do not know) who he was. He was sending me emails talking about situations which happened during the day, I mean he knew where I went, whom I met with, what I talked about, everything and I had no idea who he was. It came to a point that I was afraid to say something in public, as I did not know who was listening. The emails stopped after I got together with Adam.
Do you remember one time I told you that you are helping me a lot, much more than you think? One of the things you helped me with and you actually showed me, is how much
trust can change our lives. I always knew that trust is important but I did not think that trust could actually turn my life upside down. It is difficult to put it into
words what I mean, maybe one day I will be able to describe it better. Now I can only say that it is amazing for me which path our friendship took, and all because of your
trust, the way you trust me. When I sent you the first email, about a month before our first dinner together, I just hoped that it would make you feel better and make you
laugh, because to me you always looked so stressed and under pressure. I was not really concerned if it would work or not. However, now I really care about you and I want you
to be happy. You know exactly how I feel, as I wrote it all in the previous emails. Your trust changed my attitude towards you, it made me trust you and you became important
It also opened my eyes and helped me to understand why George and I have so many difficulties. We have many issues but the root problem is his lack of trust. George does not have any trust at all. He is always scared that something could go wrong. I have never done anything wrong by him, but in some respect he does not trust me. It is not about trust in the meaning that he is suspicious and I would cheat on him or take his money. In this respect he trusts me, he knows I would not do that. It is about the bigger picture – trust in life, trust that we can be successful on the farm, faith that everything will be all right. I have shown him so many times that we can resolve any problems we face and overcome all difficulties, but he still does not trust me. He still believes that one day something will go very wrong. And most probably it will, at least for him, as this is what he believes, and therefore that is what probably will happen...
Trust is the basic in any relationship, it does not matter if it is love, friendship or even a business relationship. Of course not everybody is worth our trust and we have to be careful in whom we have faith. It is funny but when I think now about my relationship with Adam… I trusted him, I came to this country to be with him and he threw me out on the street and at the end he told me that he cannot trust me. I tried my best to prove to him that he was wrong and I can be trusted. Later however I realised that it would not matter if he trusts me or not as I could not trust him...
Somehow talking about trust reminded me of my father and one of his best friends. People say that you should not mix friends and money. That you should not lend money to a friend or you will lose them as a friend and if you lend money to a friend you will lose the money and the friend. However, I do not believe that it is always true. Real friendship will overcome all difficulties. During his study my father had a group of very close friends, friends for life. Most of them have passed away already and my father misses them. I know some of his friends, especially one, his best friend Leon. One of his sons was born just few weeks before me, and their daughter is my sister's age. As you can imagine, these two families spent a lot of time together. One day my father got into very serious financial difficulties, actually because of another friend with whom he established a company. The company went broke because of the political situation in the country at that time and the friend left my father with an enormous debt. At the same time Leon had a bit more luck and through a chance in life, a one-off opportunity, earned quite a lot of money. He lent this money to my father to help him to pay his debt. He knew that it will take my father years to be able to pay it back. Leon waited patiently. Years later my father paid all the money back and until today they are very good friends. They still catch up, laugh about the good old times at the university and share experiences they have with their grandchildren. I think it is a story about a true friendship, friendship which does not happen often. Leon handled it against all the rules and advice from others, kept to his trust in my father and at the end kept both – his money and his friend.
It got late. I better go to bed now.
Lots of Wings,