I also love reading your emails and I love to write to you. I should be working now, but... I prefer to write the email :) And as my great-grand mother used to say “Work not a rabbit will not run away” (she was a very wise and courageous woman with a lot of experience in life as she went through a lot of hardship. I hope one day to be as wise as she was. So her saying actually meant that there is time for everything in life and we should not stress about anything; it is not an encouragement to be lazy ;).
George went out for the day - farmers shopping, so it is perfectly quiet at home and I can concentrate on writing, which I love doing.
I can imagine that we would have a lot of fun on holidays together :) And no there is nothing wrong with wanting to know all about me and meet my family. Who knows
maybe one day we get to go to EU together or somewhere else and have fun – would be nice. Maybe George would come as well, not sure he is not very keen on travelling,
too many things could go wrong... But then, when we do not travel he complains, that we do not go anywhere together. Actually in two weeks we wanted to go away for
couple of nights because it will be our 5th anniversary. At this stage I know all the places where we cannot go because of... whatever reasons there are, I do not
even remember them, but no one place is good enough. And everything because we leave in such a bad position... far away from everything... Though actually the biggest
problem – the dog – got resolved. Penny is willing to come and look after the property together with the dog. So at the moment I hope we will go somewhere, but I cannot
George does not want to stop me from doing things I like to do, but he simply cannot do it with me as he is too... scared. It is too much stress for him. And should I do it by myself then... he is still scared that something could go wrong. He is scared or worried about me, but also about himself. How should he deal with the farm and all the situation without me, plus I am the only bread winner. So he often says that I can do something by myself but then add some comments. E.g. One day I went to some meeting in the city on a weekend. And I was going to take the motorbike – I knew it would not be much traffic so it should be safe. George said “OK, you can go on the bike and put everything at risk. Should you have an accident then we will lose the farm and everything”. When this type of thoughts are planted into my mind then... I just took the car.
I know he does not want to do this, but he cannot cope with the for him “new life”, so different from what he knew all his life. He struggles a lot mentally as his emotional stage is more of a teenager than a 60 years old man. I try to help him as much as I can, but it is not easy. Especially because I am his wife and so much younger... Though I think it is getting better.
I just remember one funny situation one time when we should go for a motorbike ride with George's cousin and her husband. At the end they turned up in their car and said that he dropped the bike it got damaged and therefore they came by car. Later George told me that in his opinion for the cousin it was just waste of time. If they could not come on the bike then they should stay at home, what-for to waste time. “It was not waste of time. They just wanted to be together and enjoy the time together and it is what they did” - I answer. “Absolutely illogical. If the plan was to go on the motorbikes then either they go on the bikes or they stay at home as the motorbike trip got cancelled” - answered George being upset about my stupidity. And I still have to laugh about this. And kind of feel sorry for George that he cannot see what is really important in life – it is definitely not “the plan” itself. I am sure you understand the feeling of just wanting to be together and enjoy the time together.
I did not know that you can paint – do you still have the oil painting?
When I was living back in EU before I had a motorbike I also had a push-bike and I often rode a lot. Also for a few day trips and camping. And sometimes just for the afternoon when I was too tired from study and work. People often thought that it was crazy as I should study for exams and so on. But I know how much my brain can take and when it needs a break. So I rode the push-bike when I wanted and where I wanted and then I worked again. And looking where I am now... it was not so bad. I finished the study and I am happy in life :) Who knows maybe one day I will have a push-bike again and go for some trips.
All your marriage and love-life situation feels to me... like it is hurting me... I feel so sorry for you... I wish that before you met Dora you would meet another
woman, more mature who would understand your emotional state at that time. Obviously you were not ready for the next stage in the relationship with Dora... You said
that at some point in your life you made the decision to “change something in your life - your relationship”. Do you still think it was the decision you made or it
was more desperate reaction for having some fun in life (which you anyway deserve)? I think decision making is to think about an action and its consequences and
then dealing with it. To think where I want to go and where I want to be and then to do whatever is necessary to get there. In some cases it is to take the pain
first before the sweetness will come.
I do not think you were ready to change your relationship... You were just desperate and someone pushed you to the position you were in... I do not know your wife, so I should not say anything... I only know that you are a great man and YOU DESRVE a woman who will understand you, love you and support you.
In regards to your feelings for Dora... Sorry to say it, but yes you will struggle for some time... Unfortunately I know how it is with the feelings from my own experience... How difficult it was for me when I came together with George. On one hand I wanted Adam back, I wanted my old life back, I did not want anybody else (all the memories the feelings everything was there in my mind). But on the other hand I thought... I have only one life and it is not worth to waste it... It was extremely hard to come where I am now, but it was worth the fight...
It is good to hear that you know where you are and where you are going, and as you know I will always do my best to support you and help you in your journey.
Will time fix things... I do not know what will be in the future, but I do know that time itself does not do much... Time is necessary to bring a change and heal wounds, but we have to work hard to make it all happen. For me it is like loosing both legs and waiting until we will be able to walk again. Of course it is possible to walk again as we can walk on artificial legs but it will not happen by itself no matter how much time passes. We have to work hard and then with time it will happen.
But first as you said yourself you will need to get the drinking a bit under control – it is good that you recognised it yourself. I agree with you when you are saying that “you spend all of your energy helping others” - I could notice it that you are this kind of person even before we started chatting. But I do not agree that “you are hiding inside a bottle” - for me the drinking problem is more an act of desperation. You have no energy, nobody to support you, cannot change the environment – we all have limited strength and come to a point that we cannot stand it any-more and we do not know the way out. I was kind of addicted to motorbike riding – I was either working or riding my motorbike. I was running away from my problems and from myself (with the difference that I still could think clearly at all times... though riding a motorbike at night time in AU is not very wise, so I am not sure how clear my thinking was) I could get up at 5 am, work all day then go to Uni (I was researcher) stay there till 9 pm or longer and then go for a ride somewhere to the ocean. There was nobody to talk to, nobody who would understand me so I just wanted to be alone and ride my bike – it made my brain happy.
I wish I would be living closer to you, so that you could come for a chat when you feel like (instead of taking the bottle...). But because I am living so far away... maybe I should buy the other phone now – then you could call me. You can always write me an email, but obviously it is not the same like chatting... I really would like to help you just not sure what I can do...
I am looking forward to seeing you on Thursday – just send me a message when you are there, I come down and we can drive wherever (from sea food I eat only fish... I know I have very weird diet...)
And I do not mind however you like to call me... Everything sounds lovely :)
And I had better get back to work now – I see there are some issues...
I hope you had a good rest after your long days at work and you will have good time at home now.