I think your story is even more sad than mine... At least I had somebody to talk to and Adam might convinced me that everything was my fault (he said "I did everything for you and what have you done? You destroyed everything"), but not the people around me... In your case... you had nobody to talk to (I am sorry for your loss... your Mum) and your wife... convinced not only you but everybody around you how bad you are and dragged you to the marriage councillor while you are the last person who needs it. I know that you are a faithful man and need a loving wife and not a councillor... I do not believe that what happened to you was your fault... But it will be easier to talk about than try to write...
You know when it happened to me people were saying to me that I suffer so badly because I loved in "the wrong way". And I told them that "if the way I love is a mistake then it is the only mistake in my life I will make a second time". I have done the "mistake" again and I do not regret it. I think the only way to be happy with the partner (and in life) is to love unconditionally, not to love "because of something" (my father always says - love for something is called... prostitution ;)
I do not have many friends and they are spread all over the world, but all of them love in the same way we do and none of them would ever judge you (they would
feel sorry for you...)
And I do not think I will ever change - I overcame this what was the worst for me and now I know that this who I am and the way how I love makes me happy. And for me life is about fun and happiness.
And I would like to talk to you, but... I know it will not be possible in at least the next couple of weeks... So I am just looking forward to the next time we
both will be in the city.
I hope you will have a good few days off.
Love you brother ;)