I would like to tell you my story – to show you how well I understand you. Maybe even better than you think...
I met... Adam (it still hurts when I write the name) when I was 26 and somehow from the first sight I knew he is the man I want to spend my life with (similar like in the case of my parents, only for them after over 40 years of marriage it is still going). He was 4 years younger. 3 days later I visited him to learn together and... we ended up on a trip to Austria. It was very romantic and so on, but “nothing happened” as I was in relationship with a... violent so called boyfriend. Saying “nothing happened” I have to add that... police was looking for me as I was reported missing by the “boyfriend”, my sister got involved as I informed only her about my “action” (and she thought that I completely lost my mind) and so on. But nothing happened in the “romantic“ meaning as I wanted to finish the first relationship before I started something new (I knew I would not be good in walking on two bridges at the same time - I would fall in between and it would be very painful). After we had over 3 years of a perfect relationship. It was not easy life – we lived in one room, studied (for me it was very tough as my German at that time was not perfect) and I had to work (Later my sister helped me financially; his parents were paying for him, so it was a bit easier for him). Everybody was looking at us as the perfect couple and wondering how it is possible that two people can match together so well and understand each other so well. I was very happy, but somehow from the beginning I had the feeling that he is not mature enough for our relationship and one day I will be hurt very badly.
After the first few years he started to change, being like unhappy and angry with me, telling me what I can do what I cannot, how I should behave, what
I can say what not, whom I can meet and so on. I always tried to make him happy, I was very afraid that he could break up with me, I loved him so much. I
actually went mad – my family and friends could not recognise me. And after over 5 years he broke up and emigrated to Australia saying that he will never
talk to me again. I was devastated but hoped that he would change his mind. I could not believe that he does not love me anymore. Two weeks later at 2
am my phone rang and... it was him crying on the phone that he misses me so much. I was planning to emigrate anyway- first to NZ (very difficult to AU
with my passport – wrong citizenship...), but... at the end 4 month later I joined Adam in Australia. I wanted to travel, but he finished his travels
and started research at the uni. So one week after I arrived I started research as well. And applying for scholarships for Ph.D. study (unfortunately
I was second and there was one scholarship...), organising visa (I was on Tourist visa when I arrived, I had to change it otherwise I would need to leave),
looking for job (extremely difficult without work permit) and so on (how difficult all this is knows only somebody who went through this...). At the
beginning all was quite good between us – it was a hard life, but great. As long as he needed my support (not financially of course, I had nothing, but
mentally) he was quite good to me. But as soon as he got Ph.D. Study position at the university and his parents confirmed that they can finance it he
started changing again. The mental terror started again. Not only I had no support from him,but I was pushed down all the time and literary mental terror
at home. I hoped so much that when I find a job everything will be fine. That Adam will be loving me again and we will be happy again... I got tutoring
position at the university - it is how I met Vince – I was his tutor; again at first glance it felt like I know him forever, like a brother (BTW it is
how I felt about you, but I knew that something is going on in your life and you will come to me when you are ready).From the first day we were talking
about everything and anything. Few weeks later I finally found a job and sponsor for my visa. But it took months to get the visa and be able to start
earning money. I was working full-time at the company, but for free and once a week I was going to Gold Coast to the uni as a tutor. It was very tiring.
One day Vince asked me to come on Saturday to his church to a baptism of his cousin. I knew I cannot do this, but... I like to stay open minded and learn
new things, for me religions are something interesting more from psychological and cultural point of view, so I agreed. On Saturday morning Adam was in
quite good mood (usually his mood was changing every few minutes and I never knew when he explodes and will be furious with me). Adam said that he loves
me and we had nice morning. Then I said that I will catch up with Vince and after go shopping. I did not tell about the church. However, when I came back
to the uni I felt bad about the church and I told Adam. “Why did not you tell me before” he asked. “Because I was afraid that you will be furious with me
for wasting time”. “No, of course not. You could tell me about this before” “I am sorry...” and he went home. In the evening I came back home and Adam
said “Pack your things” “Why?” “You are moving out. You are such a liar, I cannot trust you anymore” and terrible humiliation started. And he said that
he will do me a favour and I do not need to move the next day I have time till Monday and if I really need money that he can lend me up to $1000. I had
a $800 on my account and some more on my German account which I mostly could not touch as I did not have visa yet and in case I would not get the visa I
needed the money for flight back to EU (otherwise I would be deported and got stamp in my passport and... all this only somebody who came where I came
from will understand...). I did not have any family here and the only friend I had was Vince (but he was too young to help me with the flat etc - though
he tried to organised something amongst his friends and actually if I did not find anything else he knew a woman where I could stay). I had to borrow the
money from Adam, but I paid it back as soon as I started earning - it was hard, but I preferred to not eat, but pay the stupid money back.
I was blaming myself that all this was my fault, that I should not have gone to the church and that I should not lie. I was completely devastated. I really loved him very much...
And it was so painful that nobody there would understand me. Everybody was saying – 3 month and you will forget about him and find somebody else. I knew it would not happen like this – I loved Adam. I wanted him back, I wanted the relationship back I had with him when we went to Austria and later when we travel through the other countries in EU.
I gave up trying to explain to people what I am going through (the financial situation everybody understood very well, but for me the other problem was much bigger... the finance... I knew I would survive somehow). I just could not stand the pain of lack of understanding anymore... I started to read... religious books – not so much because I believed in God and all this, but these books have plenty of stories about people who went through difficult situations. And this gave me hope – hope that one day I will be free and happy again...
I had my father and Vince to talk to... It was so important for me to have somebody who would listen to me. I know it was very difficult for my father every day hearing the same story over and over again, but I was very thankful to my father that he was there for me. And I was very thankful to have Vince. One day Vince told me “You know, I do not know what to say anymore, I would like to help you, but I do not know what to say...” “You do not need to say anything, I just need somebody to listen” I answered. “Ah, if I do not need to think about the solution to your problem then great – you can talk as much as you like!” And it was the biggest help I could get.
One day when I talked to my father my mum was also on the phone and she said “You should hate him (Adam) for this what he did to you” “How should I hate somebody
whom I love?” I asked. “Love and hate are close related and love easily can turn into hate” - answered my father. I could not understand it. But years later I
understood something else. Majority of people do not understand the difference between “loving someone” and “being in love with someone”. And there is a big
difference between the two of them. “Being in love with someone” is practically biological need of keeping the species alive, not extinct, sexual attraction
between two beings to give and bring up offspring. It can turn into... love or hate to someone...
To love someone... I do not think I need to explain it to you, as you are very loving and caring person. And I think you still love your wife... And real love will never turn into hate or “go away”.
If you would ask me know if I still love Adam... yes, I do... Would I like to be back with him? No, I would not. After the years I thought about the time I had with Adam and yes, we had great times together, but there were also very bad times. I see now how good it is to be free and happy, to be able to meet whomever I like and talk about whatever I like, to do what I like (e.g. Adam would never accept me being with toastmasters... He would be furious that I only waste my time, and for me toastmasters is something that makes me happy. As it makes me happy to have friends – for him it is just waste of time) and not be afraid that maybe I come home and he will be furious or throw me out on the street.
I was blaming myself for what had happen to my relationship, but now I know it was not me, it was him. Why he did it? I am not sure. He gave me many answers when I asked (always blaming me) but every time was something different and hardly any of them made sense. I just believe, that he simply was not mature enough for the relationship we had. I do not believe that he did not love me...
I would like to write more to answer your email, but I am getting tired now and I should go to bed...
I wish you all the best with your marriage and I really hope everything goes well for you.
Sometimes I am afraid that there still could be some hard time in front of you. I hope not, but if yes, then... I will be always your friend like a loving sister and I will try to help you as well as I can... I know that whatever happens at the end you will be free and happy. One day you will also have somebody who will be working together with you, like George has :)
And as I said before, I do understand how difficult it is with the time and writing, so as I am always very happy to hear from you, I do not want to put you under pressure that you have to write to me. You have enough pressure in your life... I just want you to know that you can contact me any time you like, I had better not send messages to you, as I am too afraid I could cause problems for you...
I hope you will have a great night and not too stressful...
(And I decided not to put any ending as it is still too stressful for me – but I like when you put an ending to your email :)