How was your Xmas? I hope it was quite good and now you are enjoying your holidays on the coast, playing on your boat amongst the white sharks. I do not really like the part with white sharks, but... it is what you love to do, so... just enjoy it and I will keep my fingers crossed that everything will be fine and you do not get injured or eaten by them. Yesterday I heard that a man was killed by a shark – I checked the news at once, thankfully it was somebody else, not you...
My Xmas... I did what, at the moment, I like the most – I was writing most of the time or working on my website. The weather over Xmas and in the last few days was not very nice – it was cold and raining. On some days the maximum temperature was just 17 degrees. I visited Penny one day and she was saying that she was thinking about making a fire as it was so cold in the house (and I probably would not mind some warmth from the fire myself ;).
Sometimes, I felt a bit bad that I was sitting all day just in my office and did not see the family at all. At the end, mum is here for only a few days... Unfortunately, I am not as strong as I would like to be and I have limits how much anger and frustration from somebody I can take. On Xmas Eve in the first hour of the morning, George gave me 3 examples why we should not be married and why we should not live together and that I should finally see it and admit to it. OK, I mentioned that I agreed with him already, a couple of weeks ago. Except for this, the day was not too bad – I was doing brush-cutting and mowing for about 6 hours. At some point, Mark sent a message – it always cheers me up to get some messages from friends. Later I had to go to the post office to pick up tagging tools for cattle. George was going to work in the other paddock. “When you come back and I am not here, then I have gone to the post office” - I said to George. “I hope you do not leave me”- he replied. “Of course not” I said . He replied “I would not blame you if you did” It made me think a bit, maybe he understands what he is doing to me, that his behaviour is not acceptable... We will see how Xmas goes...
In the morning of Xmas day I asked George one question “Are you planning to have breakfast with mum?” And the answer was: “Why can you not think! Why do you have
to say something without even trying to use your brain! Of course not! everybody knows that it is Xmas lunch which family has together, not breakfast!” - George
was screaming at me furiously. I know it might be a stupid question, but... I came from different culture and I try my best to learn the culture here. I am not
trying to push my culture on anybody and therefore I do not assume anything and ask questions. And especially if mum is here for only a few days, maybe they want
to spend as much time together as possible. Is it really necessary to scream and get so infuriated? Maybe it is...
After the breakfast issue was solved, together we started building the ramp for yards. I was not in the mood to do anything together, I just wanted to be by myself alone, but... I put the brave face on and was doing what George told me to do. It was cold and showers coming and going all the time. When the shower got heavier, with Darcy, we were hiding underneath the old ramp – playing again. George was of course angry all the time and swearing, but at some point, he joined us underneath the ramp as well. We did not work long on the ramp – it was too stressful and too frustrating. George decided that he had had enough and we went home and I hid in the office and worked on my website. Only in the evening I got out and went to mum's to have dinner with the family. It was as it used to be when mum was living with us – the TV was on, nobody said a word...
The only time I was with mum was on Boxing day when I decided to bake some cookies. Actually, I was going to bake the cookies with mum before Xmas, but... I just did not want to interfere with George's plans and upset him even more. He wanted to do some cooking with mum – prepare the ham one day, the roast another day. He wanted that mum gets the feeling of Xmas, that she has the smells in the house she used to have, that she has the food she used to cook. I think it was very nice of him and I am sure mum appreciated it very much.
Two years ago I did a lot of cooking and baking for Xmas with mum. I prepared some food which was traditional for Xmas in the house where I grew up. We were listening to Xmas songs, I also played her a CD with Xmas Carols in my native language. Of course she could not understand what they were singing, but she could recognise some of the carols because of the melody – for example 'Silent Night', as this is the same in many languages. We had a lot of fun.
Nevertheless, this year I was not in a Xmas mood at all. I felt tired, confused, sad... I just wanted to be by myself, escape into my imaginary world, into writing and creating my website. This made me happy, it helped me to forget about all the stress and I felt good. It also gives me hope, hope that one day my writing will pay off and I will be able to give George his life back, I will be able to give him the money back and he will be happy again. I know that life on the farm is too stressful for him, he cannot cope with the amount of work here, with the unpredictable life-style, with the lack of ability to plan and even if he manages to prepare a little plan, life does not follow the plan anyway. It is a farm, everything can change any moment, everything depends on the weather and nature. I really would like to help George and to see him happy again. And I know that it will not happen on the farm, as I cannot control the weather and I cannot control nature, and I cannot prepare a solution and protect us from all the worst possible scenarios that could happen. As I cannot split into multiple persons, convert into a strong man and get done all the jobs which have to be done here. Actually, the jobs here will never be done, the spiders will continue building their webs on the houses and on the sheds, and the rain will bring the sand and dirt in the carports (George hates it and therefore sweeps the carports a few times in a week)... The only way that he can be really happy again is to give him back the little world he was living in, a smaller block of land, just a few acres where he can have everything under control... I do not know if it will ever happen, but I have hope and faith and this gives me,for today,necessary strength. And what will happen time will show...
Yesterday it was actually quite funny. I was preparing sandwiches and I made a comment that I will use grated mozzarella on mine (George hates mozzarella – it does not
have any taste for him) as I was taking it with me to the city, it melted in the car and now it is like a solid block. “The mozzarella melted in the car and it was in
the cooling box?” - asked George. “Yes, but it is still good so I can use it” - I replied. “No, it does not matter about the cheese. It shows you how hot it gets in the
car. It is probably 50 degrees. I am thinking about all the other things which are in the car and could be damaged because of the heat. What about the torch in the car.
The batteries in the torch have exploded already before. If it happens, the torch will be destroyed and it is a very good torch and...” “I will take the batteries out of
the torch” “And then when you need the torch, it does not have any batteries. It will be dark and you will not be able to find the batteries and put them back, so the
torch will be useless. Maybe we can buy a special cooling box, like for wine. Then the torch could be cooled.” George continued his analysis how is the best way to protect
the torch, but for me all the solutions were... not very practical. I really have enough stuff when I go to the motel, I do not need to worry about one more cooler for the
torch (I would need to put it into a freezer in the motel, but it would not even fit as the freezer is tiny)... “You know, for the moment, I'll just take the batteries out” -
I replied. George got a bit upset that I do not take things seriously and ignore problems instead of solving them, but... I really have more important issues in life to
look after and problems to resolve than the torch in the car. Taking into account that the car is more than 10 years old and it went through a lot of hot weather I really
do not think that I need to spend a lot of time on trying to find out what could go wrong with the car because of the heat. I will resolve the problems when they come.
So, at the end, I found it quite funny that somebody can get so absorbed by such a little thing. But on the other hand it also shows how different we are...
Actually, something else is not going well (except for my website, which is going well) – and it is working with the cattle. OK, it was going perfectly until today... Maybe some introduction to the situation. It is important for me to be able to work with the cattle by myself and being able to do everything on the property on my own. You never know what happens in life, but whatever happens I would like to keep the farm and stay here, and therefore I have to know, that in the worst case, I will be able to do everything by myself. And anyway, I am a person who does not rely on others, I am happy and appreciate it if somebody helps me, but I do not rely on or expect any help from anybody. Therefore, in the last few days I was working with the cattle by myself – locking them in the yards and letting them through the race-way. Yesterday, I managed to get them all through the crush – one by one, to get them used to it. Everything worked marvellously. But today... Hmm, half of the animals did not even want to go into the yards (obviously they did not like being locked in the crush yesterday...). The fat ones went – they will go anywhere if there is some food. I got them into the forcing yards and started chasing the others on the quad-bike and with Darcy, across the property. All my actions resembled a bit like western movies - I did not know myself that I was so good on the quad-bike and I was also surprised (and happy) that I survived and did not have an accident (with the speed I was doing, without a helmet, crashing would not be much fun...) At the end, I got all but one into the yards. Even Skittish got locked in– when he ran into the yards he slipped and fell over, luckily he did not break anything. He is unbelievably nervous, and afraid of anything and everything. I am not sure if we will keep him. The last steer went to the bush – I could not use the quad-bike there and was on foot... Hmm they are definitely faster than I am. So I had almost all in the yards and I got ready to do mouthing of the older steers and tagging of the younger. I managed to successfully get the work done on two animals and two had to come back to the yards. When I was working on the next animal, my right hand got squashed between a steel bar and the panel. It was very painful, but I tried to ignore it and continue with my work. Not for long because soon I was not able to move two of my fingers – I looked at the hand and I could see the swelling growing. My hand started to look like a balloon on a stick. I had to go back to the house. The biggest challenge was to drive the quad-bike. The quad has the throttle on the right side – no chances to use my right hand, terribly swollen and painful. So, I had to use my left hand to accelerate and steer, which was not easy, but somehow I made it home. George was, of course, upset about this – I am so stubborn that I will for sure die there among the cattle. I should allow him to help (hmm, I am not sure which one is more dangerous – on my own or with a particular help... ). He wanted to drive me to the doctor, but... yes, I am stubborn and I preferred to do it myself. I really do not need, now to be told for hours, how stupid I am and how I will die. Anyway, the cattle were out therefore somebody had to stay on the farm. So I told George that I am going to hospital. “They will not take you at hospital. You have to see a doctor first. You will need a referral to go to hospital. In AU they do not want you to go to hospital...” “I am going now” - I interrupted George's monologue and drove straight to the hospital. I was going to explain to the nurse that I am not sure where I should go and if I should see the doctor first, but I did not need to say much because, as soon as she saw me with my hand like balloon, she said “you come with me”. And then everything went relatively fast. They asked me if I am in pain and how strong the pain is on a scale to 10. “Hmm, compared to the pain I had when I broke my back, this is only 2-3. I definitely will not lose consciousness because of this” I replied still being able to joke. Then there were a few comments that I am “such a little skinny thing, not like the locals” as they could not find a cuff small enough to measure my blood pressure. At some point when I was waiting for an X-ray, a doctor came and said “You have to be in pain”. I was very tired at that point – I think from all the excitement and pain. He gave me a strong pain killer injection and ice on my hand. The pain killer kind of worked – I could not feel any pain in my right hand, but a few hours later my left arm, where the injection was given, was really sore. Finally, I had the X-ray done and luckily nothing was broken. Only some blood vessels got damaged and therefore blood was pumped into my hand making it look like a balloon and preventing me from moving my fingers. George was very surprised how fast I was back home. Usually it takes much much longer to get something done in hospital. And to make the day nicer, when I finally made it home, I had to login to the work account and help Damien with some stuff we started working on yesterday... (yes, I am on holidays, but...)
Actually, the hand it is not too bad, I mean, I have to see it positively. Later, George and I were talking about going somewhere on the motorbikes... I used to love riding the motorbike and looked for any opportunities to do it, but somehow... I had the funny feeling that it would not be safe, something is “boiling” in the air. I am often afraid that if George will be angry and screaming at me on the bike, something bad could happen. Now with the damaged hand, I definitely cannot ride a motorbike for the next few days. Maybe this injury saved me from something worse? At least it is what I like to believe :)
If you wonder how I type then... my left hand is perfectly OK and I still can use a couple of fingers of my right hand :)
I hope you are having a great time with your family and you will have a nice start in the coming New Year.
Lots of Wings,