I know I just said Good Bye and I am saying 'Hello' again... I am sorry, I am not able to let you go... I can see you and feel you everywhere and all the time. I can see you in the drops of due covering the grass, in the fog in the valley, in the rain and in the burning sun. I can feel you in the wind, in the warmth of the rising sun. And when the sun sets down and the darkness envelops the world I can see you in the millions of stars shining in the sky. And when I see the moon, I can see you on the other side and feel how the moon is connecting us together.
I was not going to write to you any more, but... I cannot stop writing, I simply have to write. The writing makes me happy, gives me the feeling that I am with you... The writing is something which nobody can take away from me... They can take me away from you, they can take away my laptop and they can take away my pen and a paper. Nevertheless even if they take away everything from me, they still cannot take the writing away from me as I can create the letters to you in my mind and in this way I can be with you all the time, without hurting anybody.
I am sorry I cannot give up on you... I simply cannot give up on people I love. One of my favourite sayings and mottos in life is: “Do not give up on people you love. Give them support. Your patience and help may be exactly what they need to make complete turn around” (not quite sure who said it and where I heard it.)
When I woke up in the morning of the first day after the “Good Bye” letter all seemed to be as it was months ago. There were no feelings, there were no emotions, there
was only emptiness. And I thought it is because everything is in the past, because the connection has been broken. But as the sun continued to rise and my consciousness
was slowly waking up, so were also the feelings... And then all the feelings were back again. I wanted to write and replay to your last email, but I cannot... It is not
the time and it is not the place... And then I continue to work on my web-site – it was so easy to create the framework yesterday but I cannot get it to run on the server.
I spend hours and hours trying to get it to run, even George was surprised that by this wonderful weather I am sitting in the office at my desk and work. I was waiting for
my holidays for weeks, all I wanted to do is to be outside and enjoy the nature, and what am I doing? Working... I have to admit I have never developed software with so
much love and passion...
After hours of trying I finally found one setting and... like a magic everything was opened to the world... Just patience and perseverance and everything will be OK, as it should be.
You might be right, it is well possible that if we were together we would never stop talking though we do not need to say a word to know what the other person feels, what he thinks. And most probably our lives would be so rich in love and happiness that the rest of the world would be jealous of us. Nevertheless for this to happen one thing would need to happen first – the emotions would need to disappear. The feelings would need to become stronger, but the emotions would need to lose the control over us, we would need to control all our emotions. Which means you would need to see me as your loving sister... When you will be able to do this, then you know you control your emotions and then everything is possible. All you wrote in your emails might become true. Otherwise, if we did not get our emotions under control, we would end up on a roller coaster of emotions like everybody else...
I know Buddy that you would never step over the line. I trust you, I know that you would never do it. And should you ever come close to the line I would stop you from overstepping it. However, something else would happen – you would get angry. You would get angry that I am so close yet so far away, that I am in the rich of your hand, but you cannot have me. The closer you were to me the more angry you would become. And the anger would take the control over you and suppress all your feelings. And in this way everything would get destroy, the special connection between us would be broken. And I really do not want to to break the special connection we have...
And I know that you are not weak. You are strong and only at the moment a bit confused. You resisted temptation for decades and I am sure you came across many woman much better looking and much smarter than I am. If I met you before Dora did all the fears you have now would not be there. You would be able to be my friend and see me as your loving sister. As I said before if a child does not know the taste of chocolate it will not miss it. It was Dora who was feeding you with the chocolate and now you are missing it and it confuses you so much...
However, I am happy to hear that you recognised that you were cheating yourself (it was not fear of being controlled all the time, it was a fear of doing something against your conscience) and that you recognised that you were not actually happy at home, you were not happy in yourself. I would like to tell you something I wrote in my diaries just above 7 years ago:
“I always say 'Riding a motorbike makes me feel happy, I like travelling and seeing new places'. Yes, it is true, I like travelling, but currently I am not doing it only because I like it, but because I want to forget my situation, I want to go away from the emptiness in my life, I want to go away from my own feelings, I am running away from myself. It is not travelling and having fun any more, it is like an addiction. I am cheating myself. […] However, I think now at least I know the root of my problem. The last weekend at home helped me to find the reason. For I stayed at home I had time to think more deeply about myself and analyse many situations what has happened in my life. […] I have to learn to live my own life. It is difficult because I want to share my life with somebody (I think it is a natural desire of most human beings) and it is difficult to live alone. But I have to learn it if I do not want to waste my life. Even if I want to get him [Adam] back and have my “earlier life” back (and I hope that it is possible) I can only have it if I accept my life today as it is, if I gain control over my emotions and stop thinking as negative as I am doing it right now. […] As long as I will not be happy by myself, as long as the happiness will not be living inside me, I will be always unhappy – regardless if I am with him or not.”
As you see at some point in my life I had the same realisation as you are having now. And I can tell you that now I can see that I was right – I have to have the happiness inside me, independent of the world and the people surrounding me, only then I will be trully happy. It is not going about not having any friends or not loving anybody and being all the time only by myself. No, it is going about that if the friends are not there, if the love is not there I am not in panic, I still can be happy and enjoy life. After years of hard work I got my emotions under control and now I am happy in myself. At some point I accepted my life as it is, without much feelings, I accepted that some of the feelings I used to have I will never have again, and... As soon as I accepted it, everything was given back to me. Not the person I wanted back, but all the feelings I thought I will never have again. Now I know that I am able to feel love again, as I am able to miss somebody, as I am able to feel the pain of broken heart. But at the same time the pain is not able to destroy me, my emotions are under control and only the pain is silently sitting in my heart... Adam might never come back, actually he will not ever come back as I do not want the “previous life” any more, I want to feel love and happiness and it is what I can feel again, just with somebody else...
I know that one day you will be able to get your emotions under control, that you will be able to feel the happiness inside you, that you will be happy to accept life on your own (I am not saying that it will happen and you will be on your own, but that you will be able to accept it; you will not be affraid of it). And it is when you will be able to see me as your friend... And I can only hope that it will be when the time and the place are right and then we will meet again...
Until then I will only say – "See you later", I will not say “Good Bye”, as I have the faith and the hope that there will be “Hello” again.
Lots of Wings,