We talked about trust and how important it is. We all wish that others trust us, however before others can and will trust us we
have to trust ourselves. And trusting ourselves is not to run away from the world and hide in the perfect bubble or shell we build
around ourselves, but to build our strength up and face the world without a fear that we can make a mistake. The bubble will not
protect us, does not matter how strong we believe it is, sooner or later something will happen and the bubble will burst into pieces.
And then we will be left with all the chaos in a position worse than it was when we started to build the bubble.
I built my shell for seven and half years and it was solid and strong. My life was perfectly under control, it was not perfect, but under control. However, at some point one touch, just one touch shattered the perfect shell into small pieces. Luckily the shell contained only my feelings, but not my emotions. The emotions have been under control for years now... So now the feelings are floating on the surface and one day I will be hurt, but... I know that I am strong enough to deal with it. These are not emotions which would put me up and down and confuse me. No, there are not any emotions, there are only feelings and one day I will need to deal with the pain which will come...
I was running away from the world for one year – either into work or riding my motorbike. I did not trust anybody, except Vince, and I did not trust myself. I had no idea who I am, what is right and what is wrong (months of mental abuse left its deep wounds – it is funny but at the time when the abuse was happening I did not even see it as an abuse). It took me one year to get my emotions somehow under control (at least so much that I was able to think) – and I was lucky that I had Vince who always supported me and tolerated all my ups and downs (and it was not easy for him as one day I said “I love you” and the next day “I do not want to know you any more. Too risky for me.”). I do not know where I would be now if I did not have Vince... Emotionally for sure not here where I am now... I was also lucky that I was by myself and had plenty of time for myself and for thinking about my life...
During my travels I met plenty of men – you can imagine that a single woman on a motorbike works somehow like a magnet... Many of them were telling me “nice things” but I always new these are just their emotions... There never was any connection between me and any of them. I believe that emotions are like soap-bubbles – one day here, next day gone. From my point of view, we can connect only with something solid and not with a soap-bubble. And solid are only feelings...
I thought that you might like one story which Mark used in speech at Toastmasters about “feeling guilty”. His wife is a very tall woman
and therefore she has a bit of difficulty to get clothes for herself. One time Mark was coming back from UK and brought for her 9 or more
pairs of shoes. He felt very strange, at the airport at customs, being on his own and having half of his bag packed with woman's shoes.
So he started explaining the situation why he is carrying the shoes with him. The more he explained the more he was getting into trouble.
At the end he realised that there is not any problem with the shoes, nobody even noticed it. The problem was his believing that he is
doing something wrong and trying to explain it.
It is the same with friendship – there is nothing wrong with helping each other with getting through difficult times. Overstepping the line will never happen as it is not what friends do to each other... Friends do not put each other in painful situations.
I was interrupted in my writing by a very funny situation. It is morning and I am sitting in my corner and writing. Suddenly I heard a loud bang in the other room, so I went to have a look what is going on. And there was Darcy standing in front of the big glass door to the verandah (the bang was her jumping out of the bed) and on the other side of the door, not even a meter away, was a magpie all fluffed up and singing (the magpie could not see Darcy because the windows are tinted and it is not easy to see inside). After the song was finished the bird came even closer to the door and started to pick and pull on our mat. Darcy patiently watched him through the window – I thought she would start barking or get upset, but no, she accepted the situation and just watched him. It had to be terrible for her, every time she tries to catch the birds, but they always escape. And today, the bird is so close... yet so far away because of the glass door. After quite a few minutes the bird flew away and Darcy went back to bed.
I was going to write more but... I went to town and then the phone call and then the email... I do not think it is the right time to continue... Maybe one time it will be continued maybe not – time will show...