I am sorry that I was so official/cold on the phone on Friday ... I do not want to be like this, but when I call I do not know what you are doing and who is around
you and when I call in a work matter nobody can say anything... As I said I never want to do anything that could get you into any trouble. And at the same time on Friday,
I just wanted to make sure that you are OK, I could not help myself I had to call you.
An other problem which I have on the phone is that if I am not used to somebody’s accent on the phone I struggle to understand them and then I am even more stressed... This problem gets resolved through more talks on the phone... (Even with Mark who is from Ireland and at the beginning I could not understand a word what he said. We do not talk much on the phone but I made progress and now I can understand about 50% of what he says. I used to say to him “Sorry but my reception is very bad and I cannot understand you”. But unfortunately he knows me too well and he said “I love your excuse, but it is not your phone it is my accent”)
I was just very stressed on the phone and I did not want to disturb you, but I wanted to make sure that you are OK and let you know about the email as I hoped it could help you... I completely forgot to ask you how your place went through the storm – I hope you did not get any damage on your property...
And remember you can call me whenever you like – when I am in the city or by myself at home you can call me any time of the day or night. If I am at home with George then preferably not between 10 pm and 5 am – George could get a bit upset if my phone wakes him up... If you need somebody to talk to or if you just feel like giving me a call or get in touch with me, then just call me or send me a message – just do it. You will never disturb me. I am always happy to hear from you or talk to you.
And if it is you calling me and not me calling you then I will not be stressed and therefore I will be relaxed and not so cold on the phone...
Do not worry about George what he says – we have agreement that I am always allowed to help my friends and he will never try to stop me from doing it.
BTW it somehow feels strange when you call me with my full first name – very official... On the phone I introduced myself using my official name as I always do it on the phone and as I said I did not know your situation so just in case I preferred to make it look like an official call... But I prefer when you just call me with my short name or any of the other names you use in emails :) (unless you cannot talk, then if you call me with my official first name I will know that you cannot talk)
I think it was a good idea to write a letter to your Mum. For me it does not seem silly at all. I think it is a very good way to help deal with our emotions and also give us some closure to the person we miss. I do it very often – as I said I have plenty of diaries from many years but I also wrote letters which I have never sent, even to Adam. And one of the most ridiculous letters I wrote was an email to my parents where... OK, I have to explain something first. Before I emigrated to AU I had a dog called Max. When I emigrated somebody had to look after Max – of course my parents. Because it was my dog, for my parents he was like a part of me, when they looked after him they felt that they are looking after me and supporting me. It was not a dog, he was representing me (you are a father so imagine not to see your child for 5 years and having only short phone calls once a week – the only contact with your beloved child. It would be pretty hard,would not it be? So now you know how my parents feel...) Last year in August Max passed away and my parents were devastated - especially my father. He wrote a letter to me about Max – about all the concerns my father had in regards to Max, what they could have done better for him. I replied to this email as if... I were Max. I wrote as if I was the dog answering all my parents questions and concerns... Believe it or not but it helped my parents to close the Max-chapter of their lives... Does not matter how ridiculous things seem to be, what matters is which effect they have on us (or other people in the case where we try to help somebody) – if they help, they are perfect.
Would you like to tell me something about your Mum? I would love to hear about her and get to know her. I am sure she was a wonderful lady. At the end it was her who gave you life and made you the wonderful man you are now.
Somehow your thoughts about your Mum made me think about my grandfather. I was very close to my grandfather – I was his first grandchild and his world was turning
around me. However, he was not spoiling me and he was teaching me a lot. He understood me very well and could explain many things to me in the way that I could
understand and accept them (I was an extremely independent child and a rebel, so it was not an easy task ;). He played an enormous role in my personal development.
I was 15 years old when he passed away. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was winter. In the evening he came to me asking to please carry a bucket
of coal for him upstairs – he was living on the first floor in the same building. I got upset as I was middle in doing something. I carried the coal, but I was angry.
A few hours later he suffered a heart attack. The next day after school I got to know that he passed away. I remember my sister and my cousin standing in the kitchen
very sad and depressed passing me the news. When I heard it I started to... laugh (I told you I almost always react with laugh even in the most inappropriate moments...).
I simply could not believe it – my grandfather was always there for me he cannot be dead. It is not possible. It took me two weeks to realise what had happened. Then
I started missing him terribly and for two years every evening before falling asleep I was crying because I was missing him so badly, I just wanted him to come back...
He could not possibly leave me alone! But he never came back... It was also when my nightmare started, the hell on earth – over 4 years of loneliness and being pushed down...
Yes, the Xmases were never the same and the family home started losing its warmth... My grandfather is one of the reasons that I want to have one of the rooms in my flat kept in the old style with the old furniture, with the photographs of the family members who built the home but are not with us any more, with the peaceful spirits of the past. I still want to keep the wonderful feelings which I had as a child when my grandfather was around... I still miss him sometimes but I believe that he is still looking after me and give me the right advice when I need it...
About Dora – maybe we could have a chat – it is somehow easier... But have you asked yourself why are you missing her so much? What is it about her or about the experience you had with her that you are missing now? Is it the trading and investments part of it – to have somebody to do it together with? Or is it all the support she was giving you, the understanding and the talks you had? The ability to have somebody to talk to about anything which your heart desires, somebody who understands all your feelings and emotions and supports you in whatever you do? Is it the feeling of being together next to each other without saying a word and feeling what the other person thinks and feels? Or is it the passionate endless love making? If you had never made love with her would you still miss her so much? You do not need to answer the questions to me of course, it is just for yourself, maybe it will help you to close the past...
I am having a very good day with Penny – we laugh a lot all the time, hardly can move because of the constant laugh. Before Penny came I cleaned our house a bit – a
few weeks ago we had a dust storm and the dust was every where in the house. It took me quite a few hours to get most of the house clean, but I have to finish
tomorrow – too tired today.
Buddy is all the time with me - and Penny if she is coming somewhere with us. Buddy was introduced today to Pinkie and his friends, though only Curious was really interested and said “Hello” to Buddy. We went also to the little dam at the end of the property. It was already in the evening and it was getting cold (it is quite a cool weekend here; even Penny mentioned that in town it is much warmer than on our property). On the way I lost Darcy somewhere – she stayed in the bush (I thought) and I was happy about this as I did not want her to get wet. I drove up on the wall of the dam and... there is Darcy swimming already in the dam – I have no idea how she could get there before me and how I did not even notice it. She looked so cute, that of course I could not get angry with and just laughed. And later I had to dry her a bit.
Penny was laughing a bit about me carrying Buddy all the time with me, but actually she told me that she was a bit jealous as she never got such a cute little friend. And she understood perfectly why Buddy has to come everywhere with me – I did not need to explain too much.
On Thursday, on my way home, actually not everything went perfectly smooth – this time I almost achieved to not make it home safely... I took the other Hwy as there were signs informing about congestions on the main Mwy. I was thinking a lot about the day, the emails and how to solve the “communication problem” I have in one case - no, not with George... there is nothing more I could do; I am talking about technical problems. Where there is a problem there is always a solution I just have to find it. So I was very tired, deep in thoughts on the wet street in the darkness when I noticed that I came to a corner before the first round about. I looked at my speedo – 120 kph in 60 kph zone... I got a bit worried, but it was not a speed-camera I was worried about... The car went all over the place and at some point coming much to close to a street light... But luckily having driving lessons by my father who was a test-driver plus plenty of experience on ice helped me to get the car back under control and I made it safely home. And I definitely learned a lesson and I will slow down... and sleep and relax more – perfect opportunity this weekend :) And I also think that I found a solution to the communication problem – I will create a website. But I will tell you all about this when I see you... And now I had better go to bed...
I hope you are having a good weekend too.
Lots of Wings,