We had a very nice morning today. I sat for an hour in front of my window and admired the kangaroos – there were plenty of them just in front of my office window.
Most of them were females. One had very big pouch and at some point I could see a little head emerging from inside. It looked very cute. Few minutes later the baby
had enough of the world and hid back in the safety of its mummy's pouch. And everything in the light of rising sun... The only thing which was missing was my camera
with the telephoto lens – but you would not risk waking up your husband just to get the camera. I preferred to enjoy the peacefulness uninterrupted.
It feels here like paradise – in some respect exactly like in the Bible paradise – it is beautiful and peaceful, calm and quiet, and I can do whatever I want to except the one thing... The forbidden fruit...
Yesterday I had kind of like a deja-vu experience but with roles mixed up. I remembered a situation many years ago when I was friends with Vince and some other people
from Mormon church. After a few months of friendship, one day suddenly I was in panic. What if Adam wants to come back and then he would see any of the emails from the
Mormon people? Then he would be gone forever for sure! I cannot risk it! I immediately deleted all the emails, messages, contact numbers, everything from all the people
I knew from Mormon church. I sent a message to everybody that I cannot stay in contact with them and I do not want to be contacted by them. I also sent similar message
to Vince. And this is what he replied : ”... Look deep down inside your self and just be "PLAIN HONEST". You are trying to do what you told me never to do (GIVE
PEOPLE THE COLD SHOULDER AND CUT THEM OFF). Well I don't know your reasons for be obstinate, but if I offended you for any reason I'm sorry, if your lonely...I care...
if you need space... you can have it. ...“
I am very thankful to Vince for these words as... this was the beginning of my freedom. It took years to become free, but it was the start. This made me think “Is there any reason that I should be afraid of having friends from other religions? Is the religion, nationality, skin colour, the gender or whatsoever really more important than this, who the person is? More important than their personality and their heart?”. I decided that no, there is nothing wrong with having a friend of any religion. With Vince we stayed friends for years after this until he got married and he emigrated to Britain. He was my best friend until recently... when I met another great person... And now I have had two best friends... And I never deleted any more of my emails which were important to me. As I have the right to be free and to be friends with whomever I want to and I know that I am not doing anything wrong. And I have the right to privacy and the person I am with should respect it... For me if the person I am with does not respect my privacy it means he does not respect me it means he does not love me and therefore is not worth having faith in and to stay with... As I said before, I still love Adam but I could not live with him any more...
Yesterday I was hopeless with talking and a few times I made a fool of myself again... I am embarrassed about this but on the other hand I am used to it... It is quite funny as I might be very good on the stage when I have prepared speech or I can be entertaining when I am interviewed or in impromptu speaking as long as I take everything as a joke and make people laugh. Impromptu speaking and being serious never works for me (except of in IT)... Often when people learn public speaking they are told to “talk like to a friend”. For me it would never work... I should be told “talk to a friend as you speak on the stage...” When I talk to a friend I cannot get the words together and what makes it worse I think a lot in my head but do not say everything that I think and some of the sentences I say or comments I make are really silly in the end...
And when I am talking already about my embarrassment it is amazing like the things simply happen to me... like the stupid situation with the skirt (I am still not over it)... I really do not want anybody to think that I try to provoke somebody or make him feel uncomfortable or attracted or whatever... I do not do it on purpose. And that particular time I was sure that I have trousers suits with me... I discovered that it was a skirt when I was getting dressed in the morning...
Today I was also thinking about the different interpretations which we could have about the same text depending on who and when wrote it. What I mean is that it is a big
difference if the text we read was written by a lover or by a psychologist or counsellor or by a novel writer. For example if I read text describing love feelings and emotions
and I believe that it is written by the lover of my husband then... It would hurt me. If I know that the same text is part of a psychological book used as an example of
emotional state – it make me think about my emotions and analysing my own situation in this area. And if I know that it is a part of a romantic novel then – I just enjoy
the romance :) The same piece of text can cause extremely different emotions – from pain to pleasure. All depends on the context.
Furthermore it is also important to understand the emotional state of the person who wrote it. The word love can have many different meanings depending on who says it and in which situation. There is love to parents and to children, love to our partners and love to the world (used more in a spiritual meaning). In some situation when a man says to a woman “I love you” it simply means “I want to have sex with you” (for sure with majority of woman the word love will serve the purpose much better than “I want sex”). In this context love does not have anything to do with caring for somebody.
However there is also the opposite where love to a woman or to a man can mean just caring for them and wanting to help them. And it has nothing to do with sex. They just want to make the other person happy. Why? I do not know why... Maybe because making others happy makes us happy?
Nevertheless there is also the middle where the man and a woman are very close friends loving each other and caring for each other and there is some sexual attraction. And when the time is right and the circumstances are right and they both are ready then... They will be together. And it is how the “perfect couple” are made of which I met quite a few including my parents...
All the nice emails I received recently – I understand the emotional state of the person who wrote them and therefore I understand the meaning of them. But if I would show it to somebody else then... I know that they would not get the right meaning of them. If I do not show them to Greg does it mean that I am lying to him? I do not think so. Actually I think the opposite would be a lie (giving it to Greg) as he would misunderstand the emails and imagine wrong things It would just cause a lot of troubles stress and so on because of... nothing as I definitely do not have any sex affair... I will not show the emails to anybody of course and I do not think that I am lying...
Buddy I know very well that you understand what I am talking about in this letter as your are like... a part of me. I do not need to say a word and you know what I am saying. It is great to have a friend like you are.
I hope you had a great day and you will have a good night. I would like to write more but it is getting late, so I better go to bed and will write more another day.
Lots of Wings,