It is a very nice morning today however one can feel that the day will be hot. I am in my office admiring the sunrise and writing. My office is quite small but I have like two sections in it – one is at the desk where I sit when I have to work. And the other section is a tub chair hidden in the corner of the room where I escape to my “dream world”. Yesterday I had to sit at my desk but today I can sit in my little corner... And the rose you gave me is still on my desk...
Last night was very pleasant, though maybe a bit cool. Plenty of beetles flying around the outside lights. And of course plenty of stars in the sky. Yesterday I could not see any falling stars. But couple of weeks ago with Darcy we were sitting in an open bay of one of the sheds and we watched the sky (I am not sure how much Darcy was watching the sky and how much was she watching for kangaroos and rabbits, but anyway we were sitting together) and then we saw a big falling star. It was lovely. Sometimes I can see the Milky Way quite clearly, but I could not last night – maybe because I did not look for it.... And then during the night the moon woke me up – it was only half-moon but very bright. I watched it for a while... and then fell asleep again.
I know that you would never step over the line or do anything to hurt me in any way. Around you I feel very safe and calm. Actually I would prefer to tell
you this in person (and maybe one day I will if I do not forget) - I have never felt so safe with anybody else as I do with you – not even with Adam
(with him from the beginning I knew that one day he will hurt me...). The safety feeling you give me is one of the reasons why I bump into you so often.
I know you will not believe it because of the experience you have with me but actually I am a person who needs a space and does not like other people to
come to close (it is only you and George that I bump into, though with George I have to be careful... I think with George it is more me looking for the
safety than feeling it and it gets me into troubles...) Even if somebody accidentally touches my hand it is almost like electroshock for me. However with
you it was always different. I know it is a little kind of funny thing and seemingly not important but for me it was big. One day probably a few month ago
we were discussing something and you were showing me something on the screen. At the end I noticed that my hand was touching yours and my first thought was
“This is weird. I did not get electrocuted”. Usually as soon as somebody touches me I forget everything what I am doing and I have to “solve the problem” -
even if it is just saying sorry and take my hand away. But with you I even did not notice it...
And that Tuesday night when we had the dinner together at the end I felt like giving you a hug (I hardly can remember that I ever felt like giving somebody a hug and for sure never to a guy), but... I did not want to confuse you... I did not want you to think that I am just one more woman trying to confuse you. So I did not do it...
I have to go now and get ready for my trip. I think we will leave around 11 am, but Penny will come around 9 am (she will look after Darcy and the property), so I do not want to walk around in my pyjamas ;) And I also have to do some watering before we go.
We arrived at our destination. It is not too bad – George relaxed a bit. We went for 10 min to the beach, but it was... too windy. And then we thought
(or better I hoped and George mentioned it) that we could have pizza at the beach, but... Too windy and the sand was blowing and it would get dark and...
OK, we ended up having the pizza in the motel – much easier.
And do you know what I wanted to do? I know that you know but I will tell you anyway. I thought it would be lovely to sit on the sand, eat the pizza and watch the wind blowing the sand around. And watch the waves hitting the shores in the light of sun setting down. And when it gets dark, then just lay on the sand and watch the stars and enjoy the moment. And then go for a walk along the beach and on the illuminated ways near the water. Very romantic :)
I was in this town many years ago when I travelled on my own on the motorbike – at that time I was mentally in pain but at the same time I had a lot of freedom and I felt happy... It probably does not help me much as well ;)
I am not sure what we will be doing tomorrow. We were doing some planning but at this stage nothing is sure... It would be nice to go to the beach, but... it could be windy so it will not be good. I would be happy to stay there on my own, but for George – walking in town it would be boring and staying in the motel it is also not much fun. We could go for a drive, but for sure there will be a lot of traffic (tomorrow is Prawns festival here...)... Amazing how complicated life can be – I am very lucky that my life was always very simple :)
It is evening now and I am sitting with Buddy and writing - Buddy is hiding underneath the blanket. I do not want to talk about him because... Buddy is only this what is nice – peacefulness, safety, calmness, good memories and so on. I do not want to put any shadows on him. And I would hear for sure something stupid in regards to him – either that I am stupid or not practical or childish or whatever (I know it because I also have Bugs Bunny whom I got many years ago back in EU – I heard comments about him... Bugs Bunny travelled with me a lot but now I think the time came that he should stay at home...). So I am not going to introduce Buddy to anybody at home – except Darcy :)
In the morning it was a bit... sad but at the same time funny. George was not in the best mood (the cattle damaged one of the trees again...). Then Penny came and together we should have a coffee/tea. I could hear George complaining about something all the time, so I found an excuse and did not join them. I just needed a break from the constant complains. After a while Penny came to me and said: “How can you stand the negativity? I am completely drained after 20 min. How can you survive 3 hours in the car?” The funny part is that these are not the 3 hours in the car (actually during the drive we hardly spoke). This is every day when I am at home. As I told you George has issues with himself and depression. He sees everything negative. Does not matter how little the thing is he will see why it is bad. And I am trying to help him out of this. But the more I try the more he falls deeper into it. As if he does not want to get out of it, however I know that it is very difficult for him. And he kind of hates me for who I am. That I never worry and almost never get angry (only get upset when he pushes me for hours; ok I get sometimes upset at work, but it is more frustration than anger and as soon as I leave the building I forget about this anyway ;) He hates that I always laugh and I am always happy. That I can find pleasure in the little things in life and they make me so happy. He often used to say to me “Do not think that you are so strong that nothing can break you. One day something will break you as well. You are not as strong as you think you are” And I used to answer “I know that I also can get broken, but if I break everything here falls apart. Do you want it?” He did not want it but he did not change much... Now he does not say this as often as before, he changed it a bit and now he says more often that if I do not change if I do not start thinking more, if I do not become more responsible and taking life more seriously then he will turn away from me even more. He will not talk to me and we will be living next to each other instead of living together. (In some respect he takes me for granted and because of our situation and this who or how I am he... can; complicated story...)
Because of his negative attitude to life (which has its roots in his childhood and I understand the roots, but unfortunately I cannot change them and therefore I do not think that I can change his outlook on life) sometimes he thinks very irrational. For example when I am happy he thinks that I am laughing at him. And I am laughing at him because I am using him and his work. He is working here on the farm for me and I just use him and laugh at him and I am not doing anything. And this makes him furious. Though actually he knows that all this is not true. It is why in the end he is angry with me when I am at home and misses me when I am in the city. He feels bad when I have to drive to the city and he knows anyway that I work very hard – in the city in the office and on the farm. (And for me... Though I hate the city I need it to have a break...)
I believe that there are difficulties in every marriage, does not matter how much people are connected to each other and how much they love each other. As soon as we start living together with our partner, our loved one, we discover new aspects of the person we love and we have to learn to accept some things and adjust ourselves to the new situation. And life will also throw many new difficulties and new situations at us, situations we have never experienced before. For me the art of happiness in the marriage is to learn to overcome all the difficulties together and then it will work. But it is not enough if only one person tries... When two people truly love each other (not just feel sexual attraction or “fall in love” with each other) and have the special connection between them, then the marriage will be great. Because as soon as we love, we want to make the other person happy, we do not think about ourselves and we are not afraid of being hurt by the other person and therefore we are not restricting how much we will give. If two people want to give they build a very strong connection between themselves. It is like stretching hands and holding onto each others. On the contrary, if two people only want to take, then there is no hope, there is no connection as nobody stretches the hands... And if one person tries? How much load can one person bear?
I was told that a marriage is like a theatre play – all depends on the actors. That life is like the play and the couple like actors. Does not matter how the scenario is, what matters are the actors. Two good actors can make from the worst scenario, a show that they get standing ovation. But two bad actors will make from the best scenario a... boring disaster.
With George we are very different – like black and white. Furthermore he is constantly afraid that I could use him and that he is giving too much. All the time counting
what he has done what I have done. Though at the same time he knows very well that I could not use anybody. He is very confused in himself...
Nevertheless at the end he is a good man who tries to help everybody and I know that in his way he loves me and cares about me and above all he trusts me a lot and therefore gives me the freedom I need and this is very important to me. I can catch up and be friends with whomever I want to (we both know that any other husband could get a bit upset if his wife comes home with a rose from another man ;) And that he did not get upset is not because he is stupid but because he trusts me...). And I promised him that I will never ever have any sex-affair or in any way disadvantage him financially.
And he also gives me the freedom to travel – I went a couple of times on holidays oversees by myself. I could travel much more, but that I do not do it, has more to do with the farm. I wanted the farm and it was for me, so I cannot expect George to work on the farm for me while I am travelling – I have to work as well and get it all going (in some respect, it is the farm which took some of my travel freedom away from me, not George ;). And it is why when we go somewhere we try to go together – I want him to get out of the house to relax a bit. Yes, it is hard work for me and yes I am very restricted in my freedom when we do go somewhere. And to go for long travels together... I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this... However... In some respect he is in the situation he is in because of me, so I should not complain or say anything...
One day I will again travel a lot...
Somehow I feel sorry for George... I feel sorry that somebody at his age has so little experience in life and such difficulties in dealing with life issues. And that he is so scared of life and after all life is so beautiful...
Nevertheless all the differences between us have nothing to do with age (these are our personalities, characters, upbringing, completely different ways of thinking and absolutely lack of connection – but it is a different story...). He might be 22 years older but similarly like you with Dora, I never think about or feel the age difference. Or if sometimes I feel some age difference then it feels more like he is mentally and emotionally about 25 years younger than I am ;) The age our body reaches has nothing to do with the mental or emotional age – and it is also something what society does not understand. As I probably said before there are plenty of people in their 60-ties or 70-ties who have understanding and maturity of 20 years old... As there are some younger people who have experience and maturity of 80 years old...
And to complete the “age difference shock” - can you guess the age difference between my great grand father and his second wife (his first wife died when he was in his early 70-ties). The difference was 35 years and they still lived happily together for 20 years :) Crazy isn't it – it is the crazy world I came from ;)
We went to the beach today and it was... not too bad. Of course the day started not very good – the first problem was... too small shower which made George angry...
(I did not notice it, but OK, George is bigger than I – not fat, but in shoulder and muscles, so it could be too small). Then was the usual session about how bad the world
is and after it we went to the beach and... it was windy. First I got into troubles because when I moved my towel some sand came on George. So I went on the other side
of George. But it also was not good as then I was protected from the wind and I did not get so much sand as George did. George changed the position again and we ended up
so that I also got a lot of the wind and sand. And you know what? I just enjoyed it :) It felt great to feel the sun and the sand and wind on my skin. At some point we
went for a swim and again I got into troubles. I run into the water but George got angry that it is stupid because there could be current and it could take me into the
ocean and... I would die... OK, this put my mood a bit down, but I stayed in the water for some time and played by myself and still had fun :)
For lunch we went to other town on the coast. At the coffee shop George was watching every single person and complaining about them – how they park what they do (as you can imagine the only thing which I was watching were... the sea eagles). At some point listening to George's complains and observations I could not help myself and... I started laughing (you know that I can laugh in inappropriate moments... I still feel bad that I laughed that time about your wife in the cinema... I am sorry...)
Luckily George also found it funny and... at the end the lunch was nice. After the lunch we went a bit for a walk, but... as soon as I could sense some stress we went back (maybe here the age difference is visible?... Or was it the usual complaining... I do not know). The rest of the day was quite nice ending with a dinner at Indian Restaurant at the water. And after we went for a walk I did not need to keep the usual 1m distance ;) Hands-holding – oh no, it lasted for a minute, but it was much to much stress and inconvenience for George ;)
One day I will come back to this town and then I will walk on all the path and discover all the hidden places. One day when the time is right... And today I am happy that I achieved my other goal – George relaxed quite a bit and at least the evening was without stress and anger. And it was the main goal of the trip – to get him to relax a bit.
I was just thinking that when I try to talk about nature in English so many words are missing... When I lived in my home country I knew names (in my native language of course) of all the birds and animals living there and the names of plants and stars. But since I emigrated and learned other languages this knowledge is non-existent. I can communicate in 3 languages, but my vocabulary is very limited. Somehow I never needed the words connecting us with nature and I did not even notice the lack of knowledge in that particular area. But since we started talking when I read your emails I had to google quite a few words – thank you for teaching me this. Now I realised myself how far away I got from the things I love... I never missed these vocabulary because there was nobody I could talk to about this things...
I know that at some point I said that I do not want to talk about money, but... In respect to money I always feel somehow naive compare to rich people. I always think
that they feel somehow sorry for me that I am so naive and inexperience in my little world of the poor. Anyway the last couple of evenings we have had, gave me the
perfect example why, in all my stupidity and naivety, I still think that financially I am in a better position than many rich people. I might not have the money and
the assets which they have but if I lose my job tomorrow and I do not have a job for months then... nothing changes for me (except I could start work on my other career).
My life standard stays the same as it is now. OK, George would complain even more and he would be very stressed and so on, but I am used to it anyway...
Divorce (I hope I will not have to go through this)... would be a little problem but... A bit different problem than usual couples have... If we lived in a house in suburbs even multimillion dollars house then – I would just walk away and start from the beginning (I already started few times from the beginning, so I know how it is and what I am talking about... I might be a bit older now but only in the body not in the spirit; and in the worst case I always can go back where I came from). But with the farm... It is different story...
Today we had some discussions with George about us and our marriage and I think this is how I came on the money topic again. Does not matter...
In one of your email you said that it is good that I found you when I did, but I think that actually you found me as... I was there all the time waiting for you. You chose the for you right time to find me... And I am happy you found me :)
I was sick today in the morning because of the sun yesterday – I always get sick at the beginning of summer when I get too much sun. I am simply not used to the Aussie sun and the same happens every summer here. George was very caring – in materialistic sense, he gave me everything what he thought I needed and in his opinion could help me. It was quite nice though it would be nicer if he had some feelings as well...And of course as soon as I got better troubles started...
Anyway, when we came home I thought we would have barbie with Penny (we discussed it earlier) but she had to go... I think she just had an excuse to avoid George's
negativity. It is too draining for her. And why do I say it? I always tell her that she can come and stay at our place whenever she likes. And she always says thanks
for the invite but never comes. Couple of weeks ago I said that George will be going for few days away to visit his friend and I will stay at home by myself. And she
immediately got excited and said “Great, so I can stay at your place again!”
Somehow sad... everybody avoids George... But I have to admit I am completely drained after the weekend and somehow I am looking forward to going to work again (maybe not so much the work is exciting as the other stuff :)
The rose in my office looked very tired and not so good any-more on my desk, so I took it out to my place next to the dam and hid it there amongst the bushes. This is my place where I like to hide, where I can be on my own or now with Buddy and Darcy...
A lot of Wings,