It feels a bit strange to write an email to a friend and feel like I am committing a crime. I did not know that cheering up somebody can be so dangerous... Should your wife ever read this email and believe that there is something more going on than just friendship, then... sorry, but she must be really stupid. If she believes, that I am crazy and I lost my mind... fair enough, I might be crazy, but free and happy, and in good relationship with my husband, who trust me and give me freedom and the right to choose my friends.
I preferred not to use my work account, not because a fear of my reputation. I do not think that it would be easy to destroy my
reputation – I have never done anything immoral or unethical and with you I am... just a friend. It was more because of work itself –
I would like IT to see that I am pushing with the software for your department so much not because I want to do a favour for a friend,
but because it is important. I hate to hear all the unplesant comments when something is broken. I know, the comments might be only a
joke, but the fact is that nothing gets done and everything is so... not organised... And I hate the comments as I know very well
how you guys feel in the morning after 11 hours of work overnight. At some point I was working ridiculously long hours not for money,
but for my visa. One time I went to different city for two weeks and I was working about 16 hours every day 14 days straight, without
a weekend and one day I even worked 23h slept 1 hour and worked again 16 hours. At the end I was so tired that... I fell asleep walking...
Yes, it is possible... I was walking around the harbour and on my way back I realised that... somehow everything looked very different
I could not understand why... Luckily I stopped and opened my eyes – I was less than 3m from the water...
I know how it feels when you try to do something and your brain simply does not work... And I can well imagine how great it is to have good tools which give some support.
And the thing about me is that... I am probably a bit crazy - I just feel things... I feel if something is wrong, I feel how people are...
I know it sounds completely ridiculous (and it is why I do not want people at work read it)... But as example you know that I am dealing with
the animals quite well, because... I talk to them... One day one of our animals got scared and jumped into the neighbours paddock. The animals
were not long on our paddock, so George was almost panicking that we would not be able to get the steer back. I said that we have to wait until
he is ready to come home. A few hours later the steer was in the neighbours yards, and dingo appeared at the horizon. George was upset, that
now the stupid steer will be eaten by the dingo, because there is no escape from the yard if the dingo will be at the gate. But for me the steer
was simply ready to come home. We cut the chain to the neighbour yards and I was walking the animal a few hundreds meters back to our small
paddock where they are locked. It got dark and I was almost there, but the steer suddenly stopped. I also could feel that something is not quite
right. “George, are you there” - I asked but nobody answered. Suddenly the steer ran into the bush and I could hear George saying something to me.
George thought he would hide and help to lock the gate. But you cannot cheat the animal – they feel if somebody is hiding and actually even I could
feel it. I appreciated that George wanted to help me, but I sent him home and I got the steer to the paddock by myself.
I have plenty of these type of stories, but the reason I am saying it is because... I could feel that there is something not OK with you, that you are missing something, you are not happy, actually very sad inside... I do not know how to say it, but my short expression for this is that - “your face is always smiling, but your eyes are not”. I noticed that you are always happy when you talk about your childhood and about your children, but... there is something missing in between... and I have never seen you so sad and broken as yesterday (Tuesday) when I mentioned your wife... I could feel that there is something seriously wrong... and now after our chat today I know what. I know you said that the topic should not come up, but honestly I am glad it came out as now I can understand what is going on, I can put all the bits and pieces together (I struggled to put all these bits together – your personality at the work desk – so somehow serious, your emails, and your honest, genuine, innocent almost like a child comments when we chatted). I feel sorry and sad for you. I know your wife would say “it is all your fault, you cheated on her”. Maybe you did, but... you were lonely long before this happened... You are not the type of guy who just looks for “bed fun” (I call them alpha-males, like monkeys; they believe that every woman wants to go to bed with them; I came across a few of them – and they had to accept that there is at least one woman who is not interested). You are more like my father – family man. You just need somebody to share your experiences with, your love, your happiness or your sadness.
I told you already the story about my father – he never cheated on my mum, but she always controlled him, she was obsessed with the idea that he could
cheat (an actually some people would say he should do it, at least he would know for what the penalty is). Even for me, not directly involved as such,
this was a nightmare, which went for years. Luckily one day my mum stopped doing it. And now my parents are still very happy in their marriage.
But I have one more story – about my grandparents... During the WWII my grandfather had an affair with another woman, but after the war he came back to
the family. My grandmother had never forgiven him for the affair and she was always angry with him. She actually destroyed all their lives – including
my father's sister life (my aunt had a child, but she had never married and had never had a proper family) and partially my fathers (but only the
childhood in my fathers case). When my grandmother was well over 70 years old, very sick and bed-ridden, she very often regretted this, she wished
she would have forgiven my grandfather the years before, she realised how stupid it was to be so stubborn and angry all the time. I remember this very
well. I was 6 years old. And one day I was sitting next to her bed when she was telling all this again and I was thinking how great it would be to have
all the knowledge and wisdom which my grandmother has now, but in a young body... When we are young we can change things, but when we get old... it can
be too late. My grandmother died a couple of years later...
No one of us can turn the clock back or stop the time. There is no point to be angry. At the end, the anger destroys not the person we are angry with, but ourselves. I hope your wife realise this earlier than my grandmother did...
Everybody has the right to be free. Actually to control somebody to the point you are controlled, not to have any freedom or privacy is against human rights and against the law.
If George would ever cheat on me the first thing I would do is... to ask myself what have I done wrong. Why did he chose to do this? I would not try to control him for sure – there is no point of doing this. Nobody would be happy. Obviously there would be a problem, which would need to be solved. But I hope it will never happen, as I hope I will never ever hurt George.
I do not know what you are going through, but I know how it feels to be lonely... As I told you, when I was teenager, I went through depression – and all I wished for is to be loved, to be accepted as I am, but obviously it was too much to ask... So I had my dog, and... I created my “imaginary friend”. Always when I fell very lonely or sad I visited my friend in my head and I was talking to him. And he always cheered me up (ok, it is a he, because I always had more men friends than woman... not many relationships, but friends; except for the time I went through the depression, then I had nobody...). And I do it until today. If sometimes George is angry with me and I do not have anybody to talk to, I go to my “imaginary friend” and it helps me. I give myself a hug and say that everything will be ok.
You know my friend, because of my experience in life in the future I would like to... help people, be like a counsellor. I went through a lot – first depression, then when I emigrated I was living in a cold mouldy cellar where I almost died, as I could not afford a visit at a doctor (yes, that I am alive it is against the science), then I was literally dying in an accident (I have to admit, very pleasant feeling :), then when my relationship fall apart (until today I do not know why) I lost this what was for me the most important thing in life (as I told you, I really loved him... people do not understand this... but for me the love was the most important thing in my live; I love George, but it is a different kind of love than previously). It was a traumatic experience for me and as we all know if you survive this type of feeling, nothing will bother you too much any more... And I would like to share my experiences in life to help others. I wish I was a counsellor now then I could talk to you without any fear of causing troubles.
And before I finish I would like to answer/comment on one of your comments... OK, I will start a bit from the end... When I went through the difficult situation in my life – with the relationship, I had a very good friend - Vince. He was for me like a brother – we joked and called ourselves brother and sister (though his skin had very dark colour...) I could talk with him about anything and everything and any time. And there was nothing more – I mean no sexual desire... He was the best friend I have ever had. Later George came along and he also liked Vince. So when I just talked to George, I told him, that you are for me like Vince was – like a brother. Therefore, to answer your question from your last email – I do not think you will ever overdo it emotionally when you talk to me, as I see you as my brother and it is also how I read your emails.
As I said I do not mind using my work account for emails now, feel free to send me an email whenever you like. And if you would like to chat I can call you from work, from the quiet room. Just send me short email on my work account. And also should your wife ever call me – I am not afraid of this. There is nothing she could discover, as we are just friends, nothing else is going on...
It would be nice to know if you receive my email and how your holiday is going, but if you cannot write anything that it is OK. Have a great holiday an see you when you get back.
BTW in regards to the accident you had it was very nice of you to not claim against them – I know a situation where there was a small scratch on the bumper bar of a BMW and the owner decided to claim and it was EU1000... also against a student. I found it terrible – I hardly could see the scratch...